Ugh.

Same as I wrote August 28th.

But worse. Much, much, much worse.

He’s even further away than normal. Thousands of miles away.

He feels like home. How can I feel at home when my home has flown so far away? I am displaced. I am distracted.

I feel pathetic for feeling like this. I’m a grown woman, not a stupid infatuated teenager.

I can’t even pick up the phone and call him. I don’t know when he’s gonna be able to check his email. And even if I did, an email isn’t a conversation, and even a conversation isn’t enough without the proximity. I want to see his eyes. I want his hand in mine.

Right now I feel like this is the stupidest goal I have ever worked on. It’s so worthwhile for the time we get to spend together, but my god, right now, it hurts. I wish someone had warned me. I was an idiot to think this would be all fun.

Afterthought: I don’t know. I’m probably also feeling a bit shit cos of other stuff that’s happening, or not happening, and I’m pinning it all on this. It’s an easy thing to pin my misery on and it’s probably unfair to give it all the credit. I need to be working on my other goals, and I can’t work out if I’m not because my mind is distracted, or if I’m distracting my mind on purpose.

I think I’m going a bit mental today.