It’s been almost 4 months now and although I survived I take my days one at a time now. So far I was able to save my job keep my condo and pay all my bills on time. What can I say its been tough very tough, I mean I have seen things in this life that people don’t see I have been to Iraq and been in times when I thought we are not going to make it out. But this this is the ultimate task. I cant breath, I cant feel my heart nor my fingers I am numb. Everything is dull and blurry. The moment I smile her memories comes to my mind and steal my smile not only she stole my heart and my sole she stole my life. We were married for 5 years, I gave her everything I can supported her in every way. Pushed her to go to college paid the bills when she was short and helped as much as I can. She always said she loved me soo many times but I said it only when I felt that love was soo strong because I believed this word has a meaning and it should not be said every moment. She lied and cheated, I pulled myself out and tried to forgive her and maybe I did after she came crying. I fought with my dearest friends and family for her. They told me to watch out I was too blind. I saw the world through her eyes and imagined beautiful kids with her and she lied again and again. How can a human be soo cold with no feelings or regrets? It’s been 4 months of pain. I make myself eat; I work out everyday to the max. I still race cars and win on the track almost every weekend but she is always in the back of my head. Imagining guys hands all over her. I smile and say she cheated she lied and she stabbed you in the back… When you were in Iraq she was with other guys. When you were in GA for training she came back home at 5 AM. I asked her not to do this it will destroy us she did not listen. She thought mirage is a joke and not a commitment. The more I gave the more she asked… If I give her a finger she wants an arm and so on.. I told her to go out have fun with your friends go shopping design clothes I will support you but coming home at 2 or 5 AM is disrespectful for any real man… After all why 5 are you asking for trouble? I don’t know if she cheated before I left but I am sure she was close… She took every action to make me leave and I did, she thought it was a game. I have pride and dignity; I can’t stand there watching her running around… I walked away and it was tough. She took everything from me and left nothing. I just want my heart back my life back and me back. I fought for this relationship soo hard but the harder I fought the faster she slipped away. I don’t deny my mistakes or madness but she drove me to them. Why would she do what she did why? I have seen dead people I have seen people in pain and I never wished harm on anyone and all she does now is run around from one guy to another drinking day and night, smoking and of course drugs included. Her family thinks it’s normal. God what have I done??? Am I just too nice and to caring. Few weeks ago I started to feel better and I started to look, act and dress better… next thing I know she calls sad on the phone.. She broke my heart again  what she did is a one way street there is no going back. I gave the world up for her one time but this time I am not going too even if I have to live in pain forever. Life is dull and I wish if I did not exist but its God will and he is testing me to the maximum. She posts pictures on that stupid website myspace with guys and comments thinking its cool… I promised my self not to go there its not worth it, my life and my health matter the most… I am never the same never again 