Sometimes, I’m afraid of the Future… Exasperated Sigh…

I’m afraid of what I will lose.

You know I’ve fought myself out of some messed up stuff. I’ve held my head high even when I was kissing the ground, to weak, to tired, mentally exhausted, “I can’t take no fuckin’ more”.

Still I managed to “DO IT”. I’ve had very little and extremely hard times. {I believe most of us can relate… It may be different circumstances. But, we all know what “Extremely Hard Times”... is.

My innocence and trust was betrayed and stolen at an age that little ones don’t know what innocence even is. I’ve been through various abuses. Each has taught me valuable lessons, created whom I’ve became, who I will become.

I believe All the lessons in life are not easy, in fact… We grow more, evolve deeper, learn the most from the hard times.

How else will we know the true beauty of the mountain top, if we’ve never traveled the treacherous valley.

I’ve been used and abandoned in a maze of emotions that had the power to cripple me. I’ve been damaged and stitched back together in a haphazard way.

When you have nothing you don’t fear losing it. Life is just lived and you “do” what must be done for the betterment of those whom you love.

I fear the future sometimes. I fear what I could lose, how it could end one day, something tragic in my mind. You know how it is, when something is to good to be true. You expect the other shoe to drop on your head, or the carpet to be pulled from beneath you, sending you falling on your ass.

I have to face this fear, I know it’s silly. It’s just when you’ve gone through some NOT so good things, and have some damaged areas inside stemming from those NOT so good things.

You wonder if that damage will be to much to deal with. Will it drive others away, will they see the hurt child beneath the distance, Will they know that all you need is to be grabbed pulled close and held onto tight. Or will it drive a wedge so deep that your one chance, your last chance is lost forever and your future is no longer.

Yeah, I’m a messed up cookie sometimes.