Nobody understands and I don’t know how serious people are here but I constantly wish my brother was dead. Not just when we are in arguments, or when he is being a dick, but all the time. I’m sure everyone has terrible brothers here but the worst part about my brother is that he thrives off of humiliating me in front of everyone mainly because he has nothing else to talk about. He makes fun of everything that I’ve ever done that’s bad, and blows it out of proportion and tells all of my friends my secrets and everything. The thing is, I know so much shit about him that I have never told a soul. I’ve never told anyone that he see’s a shrink because he doesn’t know how to deal with his anger, that he cuts himself, that he has gotten caught masturbating to gay/exotic porn 3 times by my parents, and multiple times (on accident) by me. I’ve never told any of my friends about all the shit he says to me and all the abuse he does to me. Just now I was downstairs asking for a blanket that was folded on the couch so that I could use it. He said no, and that he was using it, and I told him he wasn’t, but he said he was going to even though he never touched it. I told him he was being selfish, and he called me emo, so I called him gay (btw, I’m absolutly not a homophobe, a lot of my friends are gay) because it’s the one thing I can call him that ticks him off. He started saying all these things about me to my face and was cussing me out and telling me to leave, but I wasn’t going to take it from him so I was just standing there. He started pushing me back but i moved back so he took my shirt and ripped part of it and then was pulling me up the stairs and I was moving away but tripped and while this was all happening he was screaming “GO UPSTAIRS IMMATURE BITCH, FUCKING BABY”, etc, but I didn’t respond and I just sat on teh stairs so he kicked me in the face and no doubt it hurt really bad but I was on teh floor and he continued kicking me in teh head and I put my arms up to protect myself and one of my wrists had a hairline fracture from last night when I went ice skating and it popped and it hurt like hell and I was screaming for him to get off and leave me alone to watch tv on the television downstairs (which is what I was doing before I asked for the blanket) and he said I couldn’t and I got up and he kept pushing me away so basically he was screaming at the top of his lungs for literally 20 minutes, maybe more, continuing to push me and I refusing to move. People are assuming I’m stupid for doing this but it’s impossible to deal with my brother because he’s literally an idiot, who failed the SAT first time he took it, and gets horrible grades at school, and doesn’t listen to logic whether it comes from me or my parents, so standing there was the only thign I could do against my brother with a broken wrist that was now and still is in really bad pain, and even if I decided to start fighting back nothing would change and he would never leave me alone about it. He eventually did leave though but i heard him sneaking upstairs while I was getting medical tape from a drawer and he was in my room trying to disconnect my computer and I ran in and screamed at him so he left and slammed my door shut. The only thing is that things like this happen everyday, where he acts like a dick, but I try my hardest not to provoke him to avoid thigns like this. But I feel like I’m going crazy and I can’t contain my anger and I’m seriously considering killing my brother. My life would be so much better with him permanently out of the picture. If he doesn’t go to college next year I think for sure I will and it’s scaring me because I can’t even punch him but i feel so strongly that I want to kill him I just dont have any guts. I can’t tell my parents because he just tells all of my friends and his friends that I tell on him. The problem is, my brother is the one who is immature, he tells on me all the time, he cusses, he whines to EVERYONE, he expects everyone to do things for him and he deserves whatever he wants. He only acts like this at home, and only acts totally brutal when my parents can’t hear him, which is really often because we live in a big house and my parents are almost ALWAYS gone (they are right now for the next week). I left a message on my moms phone telling her I need to talk with her about it but i decided to keep it confidential. I also decided i need to see a psychiatrist to deal with these problems, because I feel like I literally might end up deciding to kill him someday. Nobody understands what he does and my brother has convinced all his friends that I’m the bad person and so they all think I’m lying if I tell tehm otherwise. I’m trying my hardest not to act like him because that will make things worse. I don’t know how to deal with my problems at the moment, and I really need to see a doctor about my wrist but my brother wouldn’t take me even if I asked, he didn’t even believe it was fractured before even though it was wrapped in am Ace elastic bandage. My parents even hate him. the only thing i can tell myself is that he is going to fail at life and with my grades I can be successful and he will know it. People say that people become closer as they grow up but my brother is 19 pretty much already and even if he became mature enough to act properly I could never forgive him for the pain he COSNTANTLY brings upon me. I know this probably sounds stupid but that’s because It’s one in the morning and my wrist is pulsing in pain and I have a bloody lip and nose and I cam’t think straight at all, and theres nobody to talk to about my problems..