For the first time in about six years, I’m interested in a boy. And I’ll admit, it’s great to feel this way about someone again, even if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. However, here is where I have a crisis of confidence that made me realize my self esteem is far lower than I had ever believed. I would be so happy if this boy felt the same about me as I do about him, but negative thoughts about my appearance creep into my head and I realized that I actually believe that this boy would not be interested in me in a romantic sort of way because I’m too fat and unattractive and that I’m not cute enough or good enough to be in any sort of romantic relationship. I never really realized I felt this way about myself until I realized I had feelings for this guy, and it really really bothers me. My brain knows that I’m good enough and that I would never want to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t value the person I am, but my heart and every other part of me says I’m lacking. I’m feeling very fat and very unattractive right now, and I’m feeling like my appearance is somehow a barometer of the person I am inside.

To clarify let me say that this guy is not a jerk. He’s single (always an important quality), kind, very nice looking, has a great sense of humor, and is generally perfect in every way. I have absolutely no idea if he reciprocates my feelings. Realizing that I had feelings for this guy, made me aware of lack of self esteem. My feelings about my seeming inadequacies stem solely from me.