43 Things

A Girl in the Curl is tired of dealing with the insurance company, and the State & County

FEAR 4 months ago

constant fear and I haven’t even seen the people at UCSF yet.

I am not afraid of anything they say or do to me now…I’m afraid of the future. The future! Can you understand what that feels like?

I thought I knew all about cancer, having it hit so close to home so many times. Growing up, watching my mother suffer chemo, and radiation, and then when the cancer came back, how much it took out of her. But for all the compassion and empathy I had for my mom and brother, it’s nothing in order to prepare you for what you actually feel when it’s YOU.

“It’s cancer”

For days the words echoed and rang in my ears as if someone had fired a gun near my head.

I never once gave a rats ass about losing my hair, or was afraid of surgery—I know all about that. What keeps me awake when I should be asleep, what makes me break out in a cold sweat, is the fear of what happens AFTER…and when.

When the fuck will it come again?
Will I be here a year from now?
Five?
Ten?

I don’t like the odds.
I dont’ like the rest of my life.

Cancer survivor—fuck those words.
No one survives it indefinitely—unless you play Russian Roulette, or ride a motorcycle without a helmet, it’s eventually going to come back to your door, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you can hand it another IOU and send it away for another little while…but it will eventually come back to collect.

When.
When.
When.

Jul 20, 05:15AM PDT | 20 cheers

Comments:

Uncle Enore is calling the NakedDumbass to The Light

I've never been where you are.

I don’t have any way to understand how you feel. I don’t have any way to connect with the fears that are now with you every second of the day and night. I read your words and feel some of what you are feeling oozing thru the verbiage, but those are just hints.

And even worse than that is that I can’t do one damned thing to help you. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, no example I can give, no encouragement that would mean a fucking thing to you.

You have to ride this ugly roller coaster yourself, and I have to watch. It’s just the way it is.

But I’d hug you hard to me and kiss you on the side of your head and let you tell me how horrid and unfair all this is and not worry about my chest getting wet with your tears…but…really…I can’t do that either, can I?

All I can do, it seems, is sit here and hope for the best for you…and what good does that do you?

I’m so sorry, Chewie.

Jul 20, 05:49AM PDT | Respond to this 5 cheers

A Girl in the Curl is tired of dealing with the insurance company, and the State & County

more than you know

It’s not true you can’t do anything. You’re feeling helpless, like I am, like everyone who knows me does, and for that I feel sorry to worry everyone.

It breaks my heart how much this is for everyone…and my dumping all my self-pity here…that just sucks.

But, I’m awake at night, by myself. My mom did say the nights were the worst, the sleepless nights. The stuff your mind will tell you to scare the crap out of you.

Unc, you’re a fabulous friend, and I do adore you—knowing you’re pulling for me means so much. Thank you.

Virtual tears or real tears, letting me cry them and wipe them for me…that’s huge.

I love ya.

Jul 22, 10:58AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

Uncle Enore is calling the NakedDumbass to The Light

Lisa, don't you DARE apologize...

...for coming here and venting your fear, frustration, anger…anything...with us.

There is really nothing in a brick and mortar fashion that any of us can do for you. But we can listen to you, try and understand what you’re going thru, and at least try to show you we are concerned and love you. It’s what we can do, and it’s little enough.

Jul 22, 02:11PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 4 cheers

A Girl in the Curl is tired of dealing with the insurance company, and the State & County

if you only knew

how touching it is to me, this sincere outpouring of kindness from the 43 community…that’s not nothing, Unc.

I know that it probably feels like nothing, because it costs nothing, but it’s energy will help me, it will. (as an aside, there was a study about people who were prayed for, versus a control group, who were not prayed for, and the prayed for group did better—it’s inexplicable, and the scientists were unable to explain it…the groups were made up of people who were not praying folks…so there might be something to it)

In any case, I feel the love, and I do feel bad about how rotten this news is; I’m not unaware of how heavy it is, and I hate to be a wet blanket.

I just found out my insurance kinda sucks for any hospital stays and “outpatient procedures” so, it was ok for check ups and follow ups and lab analyses…but surgery and hospital visits are going to start adding up…this is how Americans end up losing everything.

for example: I have to pay for 30% of my “out patient procedures” and $500/day for hospital stay up to three days stay (after that, they cover the whole amount)

So already, I’m worried that these things are going to drive my decision when selecting a plan. They may even not cover a mastectomy and reconstruction; looking at it as “elective” if I could have survived by just hacking out the lump and having radiation.

oh, I dunno…I just feel bad ranting on about this…I hate heavy news, even when it’s my own.

Thank you for your amazing support, my dear. It means more than any dollar amount you could imagine.

Jul 23, 12:43PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 4 cheers

Uncle Enore is calling the NakedDumbass to The Light

The fucking insurance companies...

...should be “burnt to the ground.” A more disgusting and reprehensible group of scum bag sonsabitches one would be hard-pressed to find. If ANY industry begs for nationalization, that’s it.

So, Chewie, what’s happening now? Have you begun any sort of treatment yet? I suppose you have. Surgery is on the horizon when?

Jesus, Chewie, my fingers ache just typing this shit!

Jul 23, 02:40PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

I know, Unc. - A Girl in the Curl

Of course you do. - Uncle Enore

aw, thanks Unc. - A Girl in the Curl

Good! - Uncle Enore

Comments:

I've never been where you are.

more than you know

Lisa, don't you DARE apologize...

if you only knew

The fucking insurance companies...

The world wants to...