I didn’t have my MRI today. I had two panic attacks in the machine. I had one when they put me in the first time, and they took me out right away. It felt like the walls of the machine were squeezing me and I had trouble breathing. They asked me if I wanted to try again and I agreed to. I had another panic attack as soon as I got put into place and this time I ripped my IV out and started trying to move around, even trying to sit up. They had to take me out again. I was breathing like I was drowning. They told me that I will have to resechedule and have it with sedation and arrange for someone to drive me home to have one there. Then, the nurse told me to get dressed and go and left me there still shaking and struggling to breathe. She even left my blood on me from where I pulled the IV out. When, I got in the car to go home, I had a third anxiety attack and started to have a fourth one in the shower at home.

I tried to be brave and strong. I even let them me put me in there again after the first one. I tried to be brave, but I failed at it in the end. I fought to get this test and then I couldn’t have it. I’m embarrassed all of this, not to mention disappointed in myself, though not as much as I was earlier.

I don’t know what this means for my doctor visit on Monday. Mom told me that there are other tests the doctor can order can order, like a CT Scan or maybe she can get the insurance to approve an Open MRI, even though the hospital doesn’t have one and I would have to go elsewhere. Mom said I might not even need it now depending on what the other tests showed. I hope one of those things is true because I am not getting in that machine again.