I wonder what it is I am doing out in the world that prevents this happening for me? This question is one that right now I have time and space to observe.

Just now, reflecting on an interaction I had yesterday, I was struck with a sudden possibly illuminating thought….perhaps part of the problem is that my expectations are too high. Of myself and of others.

Maybe also unconsciously I have been valuing certain interactions more than others instead of what I aspire to, which is accepting everyone for who they are. Oh that’s just ridiculous – as I wrote that I realise that what I am doing there is expecting myself to be perfect. I do accept others for who they are and I am a human being who sometimes makes mistakes!

So what happens?

Well I think it’s to do with my stress levels and anxiety levels. Here I am in the world and my interactions are often shaped by others and not by who I am as a person. My anxiety means that sometimes(and less so these days), it hasmeant that I am constantly searching for feedback in the other person’s face and if i see a flicker of boredom or a yawn or something else negative I would close down immediately!

So…

too high expectations of interactions
anxiety

What else?

Hmm there is also something that I’ve had for years and very pathetic it is. I tend not to contact people but wait for them to contact me – even people who I regard as friends. Due to my sometimes inaccurate reading of body language and my minute analysis of the words of others,my thinking gets distorted. I think… “won’t send a message, or call or suggest meeting up as the other person doesn’t want me bothering them.” I think this happens online also as I am not particularly wonderful here either.

Another issue is that I think I have nothing to offer. I am conscious of how emotionally needy I can be and don’t want to take all the time. I wonder if people sense this. There is all that stuff about in positive psychology writing about avoiding negative people. Perhaps that is how I am in the world?

And again another issue related to the anxiety is FEAR. That old thing! For example this week I met a new person at work and I feel that we are getting along like a house on fire. I am pacing myself, I’m relaxed and just being myself most of the time. Then creeps up from nowhere that old paranoia, that anxiety, that fear. I know that I often have this connection and then after a while something goes wrong and I cannot seem to progress it or maintain it. It slips away. Must be something to do with how I come across. I think I push people away as i have always felt that once they know the real me they won’t want to know me. Bits of my life just don’t fit sometimes with other bits of my life and I don’t seem to be very thick skinned. Too sensitive.

So

too high expectations
anxiety/distorted thinking
fear
thinking too much/worry and shame
sensitivity
too much focus on myself instead of the other person
thinking about the outcome rather than enjoying the journey

Right now I wonder how on earth I am here AGAIN writing this entry. I feel as if I am just in an endless cycle, repeating the same learning and not learning from it – years and years of the same failures.

Again that it too harsh – I am miles aways from the person who maybe wrote something similar 20 years ago or 10 years ago.It’s just that there is something missing and I can’t quite grasp that bit of the learning – maybe I never will.

The person I met this week. I absolutely love her and want to nurture the connection I feel there is. So what stops me? Just my own thoughts about not being quite her sort of person and my knowing that I am really not – or the outer look of my life does not reflect the inner. It’s not about changing myself into someone I am not. It’s about letting the person I am shine through and not being ashamed of any part of me or of any part of my life. Keeping my love for the other person and not comparing myself and finding I fall short. We are all different and all the same – it’s about balancing that.