i had a therapy session last week…& my therapist raised the question of going back to work! she thinks that i’ve made leaps & bounds in alot of areas. she’s always been very supportive & encouraging in areas of improvement. she worries that i’m avoiding the work thing entirely…& she’s right. i am enjoying this time off & this self discovery phase in my life…it’s been a very nurturing soulful experience for me that was long over due. i do fear going back to work & facing the everyday pressures & stress that a job brings to the table. i haven’t really even made an effort to apply for any jobs in my field. i had an interview at the beginning of the year & the gentleman that interviewed was encouraging but thought i was way too over qualified for what he was offering. he came right out & said you could do this job & plus mine…my reply was that i was trying to simplify things.

in the past i’ve been very career oriented & do my work with a 110% attitude with grace & care…i’ve gotten a couple of referrals from past clients for potential positions but i ignored the calls or made excuses that i wasn’t ready yet…i think i’m in fear that the work thing will take over my life again & all what i’ve learnt will fall away from me again. i have such a reputation of being a superstar & going for the gold with passion…well i’m tired & maybe feeling a bit lost in translation…

i fear i won’t have balance & my career will rob me of myself…these are fears that have been dwelling & tapping at me just below the surface. i’ve been avoiding them selfishly… almost every boss i’ve had puts me on this pedestal…i fall for the compliments & praise resulting with me never saying no to anything they ask of me. resulting with long days & leaving no time for a personal life with me lying to myself that i’m working towards something worth while.

once i was given task to find a gift for a very high profile client in our new york office. i was given a budget of $3000.00 to find something that represented the canadian rockies. i approached an local artist & explained a vision of what i thought might be unique…the result was an amazing painting of three different mountains post card style with each mountian having it’s own frame on one canvas. it really was very beautiful. i persuaded her to insert a personal message to our client to make it even more unique. the client loved the artful piece & it still sits proudly in his new york office. my boss was so impressed with the gift that i immediately recieved a raise & a promotion which ment more work…& even longer days.

so the work thing i know…maybe too well. i have to face some realites of not always trying to be a superstar & pleasing everyone & everything around me especially in the work environment. i don’t want to sit cowardly in a corner either because i know from past experiences i’ve received great joys from my efforts at work. i just need & yearn for a balance with work & play. so slowly i will work on gently moving forward with finding a position that suits my current needs & passions while not forgetting about myself. facing some of those fears that have been stirring wildly deep inside me. i’ll will do my best to step out of my comfort zone even if it’s briefly. working towards the positive even if it scares me to the core. to muster the courage & steps for balance in rest of my life…