You do have Him to listen to your prayers. If you are His child, He is never going to leave you or forsake Him. Don’t rely on your feelings right now. Don’t listen to Satan and don’t listen to yourself right now. You may be struggling to forgive yourself. To me, your entry is even more representative of your relationship with the Lord. If you fell from grace, as you FEEL, you would not care. Man…I have come and gone so many times from my faith. I have turned my back on the Lord, I have thought that I lost His grace and forgiveness forever. Let me tell you something, whenever people would speak of forgiveness, I would think “No, not me, because you don’t know how many times I have turned my back knowingly on Him.” Because not only have I backslidden once, I have backslidden quite a few time. The other night, I wrote this in my journal: Lord, I have been rebellious. I have been stubborn and prideful and wicked. I have been unstable and doubted and faithless. I have been every wicked thing you despite. I have been unforgiving and adulterous. I have put gods before you. I have not followed your law or chosen to obey you. I have been a hypocrite and a horrible steward of your money and gifts. I have been self serving and selfish. I have been wicked and grieved your spirit, Lord. I’m in need of your forgiveness but I am fearful. I am in bondage. Lord, can you really forgive me? Can you really forget my awful deeds? Can you truly forgive me?” I was reading Lamentations which says “Let us search out and examine our ways, ANd turn back to the LORD, Let us lift our hearts and hands To God in heaven. We have transgressed and rebelled; You have not pardoned. You have covered Yourself with anger and pursued us; you have slain and not pitied. You have covered Yourself with a cloud that prayer should not pass through. You have made us an offscouring and refuse in the midst of peoples.” When I read this, I was discouraged and stopped reading. The next morning, a friend of mine told me they had a strong word from the Lord to me, which was “Stay Strong.” I opened my bible up to where I was reading and continued on to where I had left off. I saw this: “My eyes flow and do not cease without interruption, UNTIL the LORD from heaven looks down and sees..I called on Your name O LORD, From my lowest pit. You have heard my voice: Do not hide Your ear From my sighing, from my cry for help.” You drew near on the day I called on You, and said “Do not fear!” O Lord, you have pleaded the case for my soul, You have redeemed my life.” I think you should accept this word today. God puts people, circumstances and blessings in our life….Just like his salvation, we don’t have to accept it. We don’t have to accept His grace. But He still gives it freely. It’s usually ourselves who cannot accept it because we feel unworthy or shameful. We are unworthy, we all are dirty sinners, but the Lord HAS redeemed us. Through Him, His grace is endless. I have realized that while we still sin, He does not love us any less. However, sin does have its consequences and in my case, it’s always caused me shame and has drawn me further from the Lord because I feel condemned (from Satan and myself). once you give Satan a foothold by holding onto sin, it’s difficult to see Christ’s grace. Not because it isn’t there, but because of the dirtiness that stands in the way. We all reap what we sow. There are consequences to our actions. But the Lord will be your strong tower. Don’t give up. If you have accepted Christ as your savior, ask Him for help. Show Him your heart. Show Him your fears and get honest with Him. He knows anyways. He has not left you and He never will. He’s pursuing you endlessly.