First hand : I love him. It’s burning inside, and I feel like I’m crying, or trying not to cry, much too often. Tears of frustration, ‘cause it’s too hard to prevent myself from phoning him or runing to his home…
We think the same way, we see the world the same way, we live at the same rythm (I don’t know if it’s clear, but it’s very clear to me…), we like the same things, we understand each other, we are in collusion (still not sure I’ve got the right word for this), I have once felt with him I was with my soulmate…

Second hand : I have tryed, I have spent much time trying, and it didn’t work. He’s been selfish, he’s been wanting to impose me his way of seeing things, he hasn’t been listening to what I was expressing him…
_{He was lost, frightened, you sent him messages like “I’m not so sure I’m doing the right thing here” that threw him into a panicHe loves you so much he could change. May be he’s changing yet}
He’s old (OK. Older than me) and he’d lived something I feel like an “all” life yet.

Third hand (I need one here) : I’m alone. I mean, I have friends, thanks to them, they hug me, they cheer me, they’re here when I need them, they give me ^{contradictory} advices, but it’s my life, my choice, and there just isn’t any rule to be followed…

Last week I entered a church. I don’t believe in God, but I like the peace in churches. I sat, closed my eyes, and it was peacefull. But then I opened my eyes, and felt like a slap in the face : stop trying to find an answer, none is going to come from outside, you’re alone here and you have to choose what you want to do with your life by yourself…