Living In God's Exquisite, Miraculous Sufficiency God bless your 2013! This is the year of ACTION!
My kids haven’t seen their dad in over a year. It was a year ago May 6th since they last saw their dad. The months leading up to that, the police had been called on me quite a few times for this and that, my ex trying to bully us. I no longer was going to put up with it.
CPS was involved in our case for months.
Then, something new came up last May, which greatly turned the tide. It was shocking. I went to court 3 times in May, the judge not allowing my ex to see the kids alone anymore, and even for the month while we went to court, he was allowed no contact whatsoever with the kids.
I can’t say what happened. I remember it almost like it was yesterday and I feel the anger, the disbelief, the helplessness for all this. When you don’t have money to fight, it’s much harder. My ex was and has been pretty slick, but maybe what he had been sowing all these years, he was going to reap.
I was doing well with my weight loss, as well as I had ever done before, working hard, the weight was very slowly coming off, but it was. Then, when all this hit the fan, all the times I went to court – 3x in any one month is a lot.
I was fighting for my kids. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat much. I should’ve lost weight, but I didn’t. June and July, I didn’t have to go to court, but twice more in August. Once in each of the months from Sep-Nov. I was burned out, and now nearly 22 lbs heavier.
In steps MM in October into all this turmoil. By now, my ex wants to have his parental rights removed, but the judge doesn’t let him. What a mess. I was also going through major financial upheaval. As if things weren’t already stressed out.
Wow, to gain 22 lbs from May to November. I wasn’t pregnant. I gained 16 lbs with my first baby. I gained more weight NOT pregnant in a shorter time than I did my whole first pregnancy.
I was thinking I was having a really bad case of PMS, but my menstrual cycle is about over. You can’t have PMS during your menstrual cycle because that’s not PRE! I have felt so moody. My kids seem out of control of some sorts to me.
We are messed up. Maybe, they too, in their subconscious don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t either. None of us got real good counseling. The counselor I was able to afford said my kids didn’t need counseling. They weren’t cutting themselves or trying to commit suicide.
I thought, isn’t that a bit too late almost? Don’t you want to help the kids at much earlier stages? Maybe I really do need to go out and earn a lot more money so I can get my kids good EMDR counseling to help them process what went on last year, as well as get myself into EMDR counseling.
I thought maybe it was MM that was making me all emotional. Maybe some part of it is and him flaunting his money around. It takes money to do the EMDR. I would never ask him for money, or anyone else. It’s for me to provide it.
I know God can heal my kids and I immediately, but it hasn’t happened. Sometimes we have to walk through these things. I don’t know how to help them, nor how to be here to hear what they have to say.
He created yet another mess, and walked away from all this to let me deal with it, to deal with the wounds and scars he left, but this time, much more. It’s not like all the other stuff wasn’t bad enough, but he had to place all this on my kids, especially my daughter.
I did a search for my ex and saw him on FB and some areas of the other internet. He had all these happy pictures of him with other people. He has no regard for his kids and what he’s done to them. He’s supposed to be the adult.
School will be out in a couple weeks. Hopefully things will calm down then and my kids and I can just sit and talk, and together, without all these distractions, maybe just ask God for healing or to give direction, or for Him to provide financially for EMDR counseling or whatever other means He wants to use.
My heart is heavy and grieves. I guess a part of me has transferred some of my anger from my ex to MM. I find him emotionally immature, irresponsible, without regard for someone else’s feelings. Hmmm . . . another black man (sorry if you’re a black man reading this) I’ve allowed to screw up our lives. Okay, I didn’t let MM screw up my kids’ lives, just me emotionally, temporarily.
Since I really don’t know how to fix this, just going to ask God.
I can’t remember whose posts I read that grieved every May for the death of her cousin. I don’t want to grieve what happened last year this time over and over.