Living In God's Exquisite, Miraculous Sufficiency 2014 is My Year to FLOURISH! Thank you, Heavenly Papa!

Joyfully & Easily Raise My Children To Walk In Their God-Given Destinies (43) (read all 133 entries…)
A Year Ago

My kids haven’t seen their dad in over a year. It was a year ago May 6th since they last saw their dad. The months leading up to that, the police had been called on me quite a few times for this and that, my ex trying to bully us. I no longer was going to put up with it.

CPS was involved in our case for months.

Then, something new came up last May, which greatly turned the tide. It was shocking. I went to court 3 times in May, the judge not allowing my ex to see the kids alone anymore, and even for the month while we went to court, he was allowed no contact whatsoever with the kids.

I can’t say what happened. I remember it almost like it was yesterday and I feel the anger, the disbelief, the helplessness for all this. When you don’t have money to fight, it’s much harder. My ex was and has been pretty slick, but maybe what he had been sowing all these years, he was going to reap.

I was doing well with my weight loss, as well as I had ever done before, working hard, the weight was very slowly coming off, but it was. Then, when all this hit the fan, all the times I went to court – 3x in any one month is a lot.

I was fighting for my kids. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat much. I should’ve lost weight, but I didn’t. June and July, I didn’t have to go to court, but twice more in August. Once in each of the months from Sep-Nov. I was burned out, and now nearly 22 lbs heavier.

In steps MM in October into all this turmoil. By now, my ex wants to have his parental rights removed, but the judge doesn’t let him. What a mess. I was also going through major financial upheaval. As if things weren’t already stressed out.

Wow, to gain 22 lbs from May to November. I wasn’t pregnant. I gained 16 lbs with my first baby. I gained more weight NOT pregnant in a shorter time than I did my whole first pregnancy.

I was thinking I was having a really bad case of PMS, but my menstrual cycle is about over. You can’t have PMS during your menstrual cycle because that’s not PRE! I have felt so moody. My kids seem out of control of some sorts to me.

We are messed up. Maybe, they too, in their subconscious don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t either. None of us got real good counseling. The counselor I was able to afford said my kids didn’t need counseling. They weren’t cutting themselves or trying to commit suicide.

I thought, isn’t that a bit too late almost? Don’t you want to help the kids at much earlier stages? Maybe I really do need to go out and earn a lot more money so I can get my kids good EMDR counseling to help them process what went on last year, as well as get myself into EMDR counseling.

I thought maybe it was MM that was making me all emotional. Maybe some part of it is and him flaunting his money around. It takes money to do the EMDR. I would never ask him for money, or anyone else. It’s for me to provide it.

I know God can heal my kids and I immediately, but it hasn’t happened. Sometimes we have to walk through these things. I don’t know how to help them, nor how to be here to hear what they have to say.

He created yet another mess, and walked away from all this to let me deal with it, to deal with the wounds and scars he left, but this time, much more. It’s not like all the other stuff wasn’t bad enough, but he had to place all this on my kids, especially my daughter.

I did a search for my ex and saw him on FB and some areas of the other internet. He had all these happy pictures of him with other people. He has no regard for his kids and what he’s done to them. He’s supposed to be the adult.

School will be out in a couple weeks. Hopefully things will calm down then and my kids and I can just sit and talk, and together, without all these distractions, maybe just ask God for healing or to give direction, or for Him to provide financially for EMDR counseling or whatever other means He wants to use.

My heart is heavy and grieves. I guess a part of me has transferred some of my anger from my ex to MM. I find him emotionally immature, irresponsible, without regard for someone else’s feelings. Hmmm . . . another black man (sorry if you’re a black man reading this) I’ve allowed to screw up our lives. Okay, I didn’t let MM screw up my kids’ lives, just me emotionally, temporarily.

Since I really don’t know how to fix this, just going to ask God.

I can’t remember whose posts I read that grieved every May for the death of her cousin. I don’t want to grieve what happened last year this time over and over.



Comments:

ihaveneatstuff to talk about, share and to learn.

You don't know me...

I certainly do not have all the answers. However, you remind me of a chick I used to be a long time ago. There are some things that you can do to get through this a bit smoother. The first thing I did was invite the Holy Spirit to come and live in our home with us. AND HE DID! I could feel him all around me chasing the voice of the enemy out with His light, I figured we were going to need him close to get through all of it. Next, I asked him to jump into the drivers seat of my life. I wanted it to be His voice that came out of my mouth with His words sounding it it. I prayed with out ceasing, like a chant I couldn’t turn off in my head. He did just that. It felt rather like being in the back seat behind dark glass and no one suspected a thing, It occurred to me that all those obscure expressions that you hear like, “One day at a time.” ,”Fake it till you make it baby.” and my all time fav, “The definition of insanity is repeating the same set of actions over and over again and yet still expecting the results to be different this time. I knew that things were going to be different this time. I was playing the insanity card no longer.

When my quite moment came with my daughter I used words like, “It’s him, it’s NOT you. He’s having a hard time even liking himself right now and when you can’t do that you can’t love people the way they need to be loved. I don’t really understand how this happened or how we’re going to fix it, BUT I do know this! I love you more that I love my own life and we going to do everything in our power to make this better, together like the family we are. Maybe remind them of some of the good things that are going to be happening because the the bad stuff is headed out the back door. Don’t trash him though. The bottom line is that those children know that they are made up in half by him. If they ask you if you still love him tell them that, “I love the part of him that gave you all to me.and that will never change.” I’d do anything for you”

After that I would be extra careful to be kind to yourself. I had to re-learn myself. What kind of stuff was funny to me? What style of music, art, I had changed so much about myself to fit with him that it was like I was lost to myself. I ended up taking a sabbatical for a year from men. Now it’s true that I did have three one-night-stands that first couple of months, but I got it after that and then I just concentrated on my kid and me. It was so fun that I made it a 2 year sabbatical.

When I was done I was strong, intelligent, self sufficient, funny, and most importantly, I loved myself. I was happy and my daughter was happy. I knew what I wanted and what I did NOT want any longer. I knew was able to share that love with the right person.

Invite the Holy Spirit in. He won’t come to live with you unless you do. God is closer than you think. Heck, sister, call upon Him to send His angels to surround you and your children with their strength and grace. .You will get through this and become the person you were created to be. Heck, I think He wanted me to have gone through what I did just so I be someone who could really help other sisters get back up on their knees in prayers. He always answers our prayers, just not exactly the way we think we want Him to. Any way, I’ll be praying for you and yours, you can count on that.

This is a link to one of my favorite angels song. I’m including the lyrics to it as well.

http://youtu.be/TaG9SDxwPBg

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
‘Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
‘Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don’t talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
And losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it’s ours

I’m calling all angels
I’m calling all you angels

I leave you with a passage from this webiste

http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?file=article&name=News&sid=438

The best news is that there is one man who successfully faced and defeated Satan and his evil-spirit minions on their own turf. Because he did, Jesus Christ was highly exalted to the right hand of God, and he is now the Commander-in-Chief of God’s armies. He has earned the right to intervene in both the spiritual and earthly realms on behalf of those who call upon him in faith. One of the ways he does so is by sending angels to do battle with the evil spirits afflicting people. As we will see, Scripture gives us ample information about the role of angels in helping people, primarily by providing protection, direction, and provision. There are about 275 references to angels in Scripture, and about 50 of those show angels helping people, almost always those who are believers. Apparently that leaves them little time to sit on clouds and play harps. Though present in works of art, that is absent in Scripture.

Check it out if you have the time. It is pretty uplifting. I hope that this helps in some small way. I’ll be around if you need to talk.

I know I’m a Jesus freak. Kind of sounded like you are too.

Living In God's Exquisite, Miraculous Sufficiency 2014 is My Year to FLOURISH! Thank you, Heavenly Papa!

Inviting

Thank you for this post, IHNS. It is chock full of great information and I’m so glad you took the time to write this (also like HC in a different post).

I really hate to refer to myself as a freak of any type, but I am a Jesus lover. Though, I am learning how to love Jesus more and to allow Him to love me more on this earth.

This morning I sat my kids down and we talked for a little bit. Not long since there was school to get ready for. Though we pray together multiple times during the day and I pray throughout the day (actually, sorta like talking with God throughout the day like He’s there), I decided to pray differently this morning as you suggested, inviting the Holy Spirit into everything.

Last night, I had a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. So, there was time to pray. I renounced my involvement in being angry, unforgiving (it’s like this process I have to go through as God reveals new elements that haven’t been dealt with . . . or old elements that haven’t been dealt with), frustrated, etc.

Right now, I’m so exhausted as I haven’t hardly slept the past 2 nights. I’m even, unfortunately, missing my day time life group this morning.

I want to homeschool my kids, but when I say it’s not affordable, it’s not the educational part that isn’t affordable, rather it’s I need to financially provide for my kids. If there was a way I could make decent money from home while they did their school work, I would love to homeschool for the remaining years they have left.

My daughter is finishing 6th grade in the next 2 weeks. My son is finishing 3rd grade in the next 2 weeks, too. They both want me to homeschool them.

There have been many issues at school and lots of bad influences from their friends. Not all the friends are bad, but there is a lot of disrespecting, entitlement, lying, stealing, bullying.

There are actually a number of families at my church that do homeschool, and I know a number of other families outside of my church who also do homeschool, so I do have a plethora of resources there. But, all of those families have a financial provider (the husbands).

What I desire is to do my futures & stock trading, which I know would make more than enough money to supply all our living & other needs, and then some. But, I need base money to start trading with – the more the better.

So, consistently making money trading (and also paid writing) would probably allow me to stay home with the kids and homeschool. But, unless a bunch of money drops into my lap or comes to me to allow me to trade very soon, I will have to go out to work outside the home, then I cannot homeschool.

If God wants me to do this, which has been my desire for quite some time, then He will provide the means as He’s done for everything else.

I could save so much money with homeschooling from a technical perspective. My gas bill would drop significantly, as well as needing to maintain & repair the car less frequently. I wouldn’t need to buy school clothes. Don’t have to worry about bad influences or bullying.

The kids have their own computer, but it would be nice to have another one with which they can get their work done online. And, one of the big things is that I could control what my kids eat better, as my daughter still has eczema pretty bad.

This would allow me to try to eliminate more stuff and she could always be eating great foods. This would enable us to spend more time together doing quality stuff and do stuff that maybe the regular school curriculum wouldn’t teach.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will pray more fervently on this.


 

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