I have been so hurt in my past. I know most of the world has. I am not ever going to say I have been through more or harder.
I just want you to know that I am trying. Even now I am and when we are together I will.. I don’t want you to be punished for all the mistakes of the men before you. And please don’t punish me for what other women have done.
There is a lot of my life that you may find hard to believe {it all happened} things that may make you cringe and cry {it made me who I am}. I love to Dance…. *I dance all the time. When I went out that was the only reason I went. I dance around the house. I dance to hip hop.. {yeah, I can dance like that} and I love stepping. Oh how I hope you love to step. Or at the least slow dance. There are times I just want you to take me in your arms, lets say, I am cooking and we are listening to Etta. Take me in your arms and dance around the kitchen with me… I am showing you my tender side.

Trust has always been hard for me. I want you to understand why {please try to}. I am so much better than I was. I was betrayed so many times in life.. I was molested as a child {not my father} I was raped as a teen. I have suffered physical abuse as well as mental. Men, see in me this heart that will love unconditionally and they see this face. The Sexuality of me. So for many reasons, I have been used. Like most people in the world. I am such a sensitive person and I have had my heart shredded more times than I haven’t. I have been used, abused, cheated on, and abandoned. I am telling you this only so you know how far I have come. All these things as horrible as they are have made me who I am. {loving, considerate, honest, trustworthy, sincere.}.. I have been shot at more than once. Have you ever seen someone beaten until they were just a crumpled mess on the floor. {I have}. When I was oh about 15 I stepped in to stop someone I love very much from being hit again.. Instead this man over six foot 250 pounds Hit me. I literally went from one end of the room into the other. *I am strong. I am only giving you incidents {examples} by now you will know that there are many more stories and more to each one.

When my Ex Husband left. My house was in foreclosure, My children were so young. He put me through hell that last year. It was emotional torment like I had not ever dreamed. I saved my house, I took care of my babies, I worked ungodly amounts of overtime {sometimes, just so I didn’t think} I was so lonely. So afraid. I got cancer then and everything I owned was stolen. The day of my surgery, I got a check from the insurance company, I bought some things and had them moved into the house. I missed only one day of work. My babies had to eat. They needed their Mama to provide for them. So three days later everything was stolen again. I lost thousands. but it was only material possessions.. I lived between two crack houses. The raids would terrify my children. I would hear them coming down the street, after putting my babies on the floor, it was a mad dash to make sure all windows and doors were locked {addicts don’t think straight they would run to any house not being raided and then you were at their mercy.{we survived 5 raids in one summer} The house next door had parties all the time there would be gun fights, So I slept with my children on the floor {bulletts tend to go straight or up} your just safest laying on the floor.

During this time I found out the only sibling living in the same state as me was a Heroin and crack addict. Oh the hell you live when your brother is an addict. I was never allowed to sleep. I worked third and all during the day he would come beat on the door for money. Every time he was beaten My hospital called me in. To many stories to tell.
I survived.. I lived through it all. I made it, I am stronger now. It took me years to dig myself out of the financial mess I was left with when K left. I believe my brother had something to do with my house being broken into.
Wow, such drama huh.. Sorry, but it only a snap shot into my life. I am telling you this in my rather unsuccessful way. To show you, I may have trust issues but I can love. I don’t seek others attention, I can help my own self. I will never allow myself to be hit by a man, and I won’t hit you {self defence is some thing entirely different}. I know what if feels like to be lied to at every turn. To have trust betrayed on a whim. I won’t lie, I suppose I am capable as we all are.. I simply won’t do it.{that is a choice}
I know My Value is not in my body. {I am human and a women, I love being told how you feel about me.. sexy sensual, pretty what ever words you feel} I am so affectionate. See having men use my body when I was a child didn’t take that away. I am not an unemotional person. I am sincere and honest and loving. I think this letter should have been about wonderful sunshiny things. Well, life is tough sometimes. Just know this.
I have worked on being a better me since I was 15, I work on unrealistic expectation I place upon myself. I have learned and I have grown. I am strong, I am a survivor. I am determined.
I will work on any problem we will face in life. I am not perfect and I don’t expect you to be. No yelling and screaming in my home. {okay I have a teenager and a preteen} so let me say this. No yelling, screaming or belittling one another. Respect. Treat one another the way we ourselves want to be treated. I have made so many mistakes, bad choices in life. ]
I can smile though. I am always improving. I am always changing. It is a constant evolution, becoming me. Thank you for reading this, it’s easy to read happy great past experiences {I promise I will write one of those soon too}. Maybe this cast some light onto me. Maybe I just made a mistake in writing it and not ripping it up. {or delete}. But, if one person in this life comes away saying, I am not alone. My purpose has been served.My past does not control me, but to say it doesn’t matter is to deny the power of growth. Besides, you wanted to know why I was so strong. How many reasons did you find in here?
Light and Love…