Went to the zoo today with a guy who could be a potential something more than just a zoo date. as we waited for the train home afterward, he told me he thought we were best as… “friends.” Even though he was really nice about how he said it, and even though he’s completely right (I was feeling the same way, but I guess I was willing to pretend I didn’t for a little while longer), I was still pretty bummed about it. After the train, and this conversation, I made my way to the subway to come home. As I started down the subway steps, I got a whiff of something… ah yes, McDonald’s. Now, if you knew me, you’d know how messed up it is that I’d even consider going to a McD’s. (I think they’re evil for so many reasons. Plus I know how bad it is for you. Plus I know how FATTENING it is for you. Plus I don’t eat meat. Plus, for whatever reason, I find myself embarrassed to be caught eating fast food). But sure enough, 10 minutes later, there I am on the A train sneaking those piping hot fries, hoping my McVeggie burger would still be yummy by the time I got home (oh honey, I wasn’t so bummed that you’d think I’d actually eat a meat burger did you? ;-)

But today was still a good day with relation to food because:

even though i was eating to medicate it was because I was bummed and i was looking for a little guilty pleasure. Not a good reason but a lesser evil as compared to all the reasons I USED to eat. Reasons like, “Why not? it doesn’t make a difference, I’m so unattractive it doesn’t even matter if i get fatter.” or “This stuff is bad for me, and I deserved to be punished, so I’ll eat it” (yes, I used to do that. who said anything about overeating makes sense?).

so my reason, however flawed, was not based in self-hatred and I’m really, really working on self-acceptance and self-love and I think I’m making progress so yay me.

and also… if you read my last entry I said that sometimes I “forget” I have a weight loss goal and I was hoping SP would help. Oh boy did it! When I came home and had to enter that food into the computer and I saw the calories and fat… Lordy, I won’t be making THAT trip into a fast food restaurant again any time soon!!! And let’s say next time the temptation isn’t fast food, but something different (“oh, but you have to try this new Ben and Jerry’s flavor!”), I hope I’ll remember how I felt tonight when I had to enter that food and saw the calorie count for today!

I think I will.

so even tho my zoo buddy turned “buddy buddy” as opposed to “bed buddy” I’m feelin’ pretty good! thanks SP!