i spent a lot of time growing up pondering on what i would be when i grew up, what i wanted to be, what i didn’t want to be. something that didn’t make any of those lists was role model, yet here we are. pinned to the wall over my monitor, frozen in a moment, are the child-like faces of three people who i have had the liberty to watch grow into puberty. the first people who i had to catch myself from addressing “i remember when you were this big” and talk about them in the third person with words like “they grow up so fast”. they watch me more than i’d like and it’s only when they emulate me that i think i might not be the upstanding citizen i believe myself to be. i feel so incompetent when i can’t help them, as i watch them grow and realize and discover. ashley is only just now coming to grips with femininity and sexuality, and directly on her heels are her brothers. they don’t like each other, but they love each other, they fight and make up and scream and try not to cry. they’ve learned shame.

i would make this world perfect for them.