Mo7

Overcome my OCD (read all 5 entries…)
Untitled 3 years ago

This shit sucks. It’s frustrating, and (no disrespect intended) I don’t even know why such a condition exists. What am I gonna learn from it? I can’t see any way in which this disorder benefits me, in the long or short term. How is it going to help me in life? It’s been embarrassing at times, and it’s even brought me to tears. Not having that control is really painful.

I’m normal though!

Yeah, I have my rituals that I do to ease my anxiety. A lot of things revolve around the number 7, although that’s calmed down a bit. I have this hectic fear disorder in my life. Who doesn’t not want disorder in their life? This fear of mine takes over and makes me do stupid shit, shit I know is stupid, but I just can’t stop myself from doing it. The reason I do it is cos I feel that it will stave off any disorder or bad things.

I often tell myself, usually at the beginning of the month or week, or on the seventh of the month that “today, I’m just gonna be. To hell with this shit”. But within a few hours, I’m back to that kind of thinking.

The most frustrating part is the intrusive and unwanted thoughts that having this thing produces. I can have the most shocking thoughts. The worst of these is that some of them are of a disrespectful nature to God. I believe in God, and he gives me so many blessings that when I have these thoughts, I absolutely have to apologise, and that’s when it gets really bad. I don’t mean what my mind churned up. I mean, it’s obviously and unnecessarily rude and disrespectful, and I have no right or reason to disrespect God. But it was my mind that produced that thought, so I have to apologise for it. So I do my rituals, and I feel better afterwards, but only for a couple minutes, then I’m doing it all over again. Sometimes when I’m apologising, more disrespect comes through my mind which just delays things. I probably spend about 2 hours altogether of my day dealing with this OCD. I think that God deserves the apologies, but I can’t just give a quick apology. I have to give this long-winded apology at least twice, never once. Usually, those two times are never satisfactory in my eyes (something was wrong, like I wasn’t concentrating enough, or I was thinking of something unrelated while apologising, or I looked at the TV while apologising) so I have to apologise two more times, I can’t do it once more cos that means three, and I don’t like the number three cos I hated my third year in university. It’s hella frustrating, and I sometimes I have to bite something, usually my thumb, just to relieve the frustration I have in my whole body. So now I have this mark on my thumb, although it’s gotten better.

I sound crazy, don’t I? Like insane. I’m not tho. No one knows about the intensity of it, except you guys, so it doesn’t tamper with my everyday relations with people.

And that is why I need to overcome my OCD.

Aug 15, 2006, 01:29PM PDT | 4 cheers


Comments:

chimes

We really do have a lot of the same OCD problems..

I do stupid things too. The smiling at “honorable things”, crossing my eyes at random times, touching my ring finger..all that stuff. I try to tell myself too that I’m gonna get through a class period without doing any rituals, but they come when I don’t even think about it. I just would feel like if I didn’t do them, something bad would happen. One thing I found that works for me really well is exercising, it sort of works out the bundled tension a bit.

I also have shocking thoughts too. Thoughts I think, “My gosh, why am I thinking like some pyschopath?!” and my prayers are delayed too because I feel like everything must be asked perfectly when dealing with God, and then I’ll start repeating things until I feel like I’ve said it right, and like if I don’t put emphasis into what I’m saying, he won’t listen. I know thats not true, but of course, its part of the OCD. I don’t like the number 6 ever since I found out about 666, and I refuse to listen to track 6 on any cd three times in a row.

All I can say is you’re not alone. I guess OCD exists to make the people that have it stronger with great self control…the hard part is just getting over it to recieve that control.

Aug 17, 2006, 04:58PM PDT | Respond to this

Tiisi

I don’t have OCD but I watch a friend struggle with it. It’s heartbreaking to see all the energy that gets poured into any task, small or large. I am in awe of his strength. A lot of people know him but very, very few know what superhuman courage it takes for him to lead a perfectly ordinary life. I am in awe of you, too.

Aug 23, 2006, 11:23AM PDT | Respond to this

eclecticpassion

wow

..this is like reading one of my OCD blogs (not on 43things)..i get horrible intrusive thoughts too, especially blasphemous ones and they have got to the point where i can’t always tell if they’re coming from me or the OCD. you’re right it’s damn frustrating!! well btw a good site for people with OCD is www.ocdtribe.com my username on there is xxmissanonymous if you wanna chat =) hope that helps i strongly recommend you join it!

Jul 07, 2007, 07:57AM PDT | Respond to this

wat143

i have a problem with the number 7 too. but its not just counting to 7 in my head, i have to count: 1 2 3 4 5 1 2.
i can’t really explain.
and i have to blink and the second hand on my clock when it gets to a mutiple of 5, even when i’m busy doing something really important, and if i don’t do it right, i have to do it again and again.
and like when my phone light is on, i have to close my eyes when my keyring on my phone is perfectly in line with it, and i can’t open my eyes until the light has gone off, or i do it agian.

Aug 07, 2007, 05:59PM PDT | Respond to this


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