My five steps to drinking more water:

• Quit being a germophobe or otherwise neurotic and start drinking tap water. This means throw out the Brita!

• If your tap water tastes that bad, buy a Brita. Better yet, move to a city with decent tasting water – if not so you’ll drink more water, then to be around healthier people. Being dehydrated all the time makes you sick more often.

• Do yourself a favor and quit being crazy. Put the omg environment thing out of your head forever. Notice how that impulse feels similar to your occasional guilt about eating meat and your general lack of faith in humanity? This is called crazy and you don’t have to subject yourself to it. Please let it kill the people you learned it from, but no reason for you to suffer.

• Experiment with different cups and glasses. The shape of your glass can add or subtract much from your enjoyment of what’s in it. Both the experience and the actual flavor. Make a few trips to the dollar store and experiment.

• Eat more junk food! Salty foods make you thirsty, and you’ll find yourself scarfing the stuff down. Watch your blood pressure and be careful you don’t get fat. Exercise should take care of those things, but if not, bear in mind that chronic dehydration will eventually cause you every illness known to man.