I mailed another card to PostSecret today.

I created the postcard for the same reason most people do – to unburden myself. To share a secret I haven’t told anyone else, not because I don’t want to, but because I know I can’t. Creating a card allows me to at least speak the words artistically, even if I can’t verbalise them. So I booted up Photoshop, grabbed the glue & scissors and “told” my secret. (And creatively, I think it was the best yet…)

Previously, dropping that postcard in the box has made me feel lighter, less burdened. But those were small secrets, really trivial in the grand scheme of things. This secret is the biggest one I have, the one that’s overwhelming me, eating me alive. The one I can’t share, though I desperately want to.

This time, the second I dropped that card through the slot, I felt nauseous. Nervous & scared & alone. If I could have reached in and pulled it out again, I would have. As it slipped from my fingers into the postbox, I suddenly thought “Oh God! What if someone figures it out? R (my daughter) reads the site every week – what if my card is chosen and she realises it’s mine?”. Minor panic attack, major anxiety and nausea. It took quite a while to calm myself down.

I know that the chances of my card being chosen are slim. I know the chances of anyone, particularly my daughter, recognising it as mine are even slimmer because she has absolutely no idea this secret even exists. And with the previous cards, the possibility of recognition hasn’t bothered me. This time it does.

All that said, I’ll probably continue to create cards and send them in. After today, they should be a piece of cake….