I had many reasons to be shy of my in-laws when I first met them, about four years ago. My bf had told me that they’re judgemental people. Also, early comments made by my mother-in-law made me wonder if they were disappointed that I’m not Jewish. And, in terms of background, values and beliefs, I’m very different from them.

I had very little confidence expressing myself in Hebrew around them and this, combined with the other things I mentioned, led to a situation where I felt like I couldn’t be myself around them, felt like I was being judged and like I couldn’t participate in conversation in a normal way. I couldn’t express myself. So I was always withdrawn in their presence, feeling bored and inhibited.

My in-laws have very set ideas about what is right/wrong, effective/ineffective, acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. A lot of the judgements I see them making about people are based on how well and effectively they see that person ‘getting on in the world’. They are both very successful, career oriented, outward-directed people, much more about the yang than the yin.

If someone chooses not to work or to spend a lot of time alone or doesn’t find it easy to relate to people, they think there must be something wrong with the person, rather than just having a different personality type.

My bf and I meet up with his parents about once a week on average. I have often looked on this meeting as a chore. Things are actually a lot better than they used to be. My Hebrew is better and I have been putting my attention on being more myself around them. But things can still be improved a lot. The reality is that we do see them a lot and I’m buggered if I’m going to suffer through every meeting just waiting for it to be over. I would like us all to enjoy these meetings and actually look forward to them.

This is what I’m going to do to try and improve our relationship:

• Release the fear of whether or not my in-laws approve of me.

• Express my true opinions and beliefs, even if they don’t correspond to theirs.

• Be more confident about leading/beginning conversations with them.

• Give sincere compliments.

• Offer advice sensitively (they’re big on the value of giving advice).

• Create and take opportunities in one-on-one situations with members of the family, e.g. email, text, or call them up to say ‘hi’ from time to time.

• Be more open; show more of myself.

• Find more areas in which we can relate to one another.