I’ll start in my own head on this goal….
My husbands eldest daughter is hard to describe… She has married well and is very fortunate in that day to day worries about money are not an issue…She has a husband who adores her and two lovely healthy children…
When her father and I married she was 16 and I remember several conversations where she was quite emotional and told me that since I moved in life was now normal….I worried over her , but allowed her her space…I ran interference for her between her and her Mom, to whom she did not speak….always encouraging her to make a relationship and NEVER trying to mother her …. (Well…I am a motherly type and to be honest, I do tend to mother everything….but truly, I worked hard at being her Dad’s wife and his childrens’(3) respectful friend….)
At any rate, at one point she tried an end run around her Dad, using the formerly despised Mom as a back up…and I called her on it…(She was 17)...and from that day forth no matter what…. I am no longer on her radar…..She does not come to the house, She does not call the house or me….She even calls her Dad on his Cell phone in the evenings… If I plan an occasion and notify all of them a month in advance, she calls Her father the week before the occasion and says they can’t come and sets up an alternate date for an additional affair at her convenience. Any time we are together as a family, anything I say or do is matter for ridicule, or just plain rude disrespect…it is very uncomfortable for me to be around her….This all makes my husband sad and he wishes we would “get along” He has stated he wants “some kind of a family life with her” I would like the same but my attempts at seeking common ground are generally rebuffed….going to her house ALWAYS results in some kind of contest over whatever and when they do come here (about once a year, even though they live 1 hour away) she avoids dealing with me so much that the last time they were here, they left without even saying good bye….She comes to town and calls him for lunch and I am not included EVER unless my husband thinks to call me ..Small deeds, but rude and calculated, I feel….I decided a year ago, that these things only upset me if I let them and I would never try to make him choose…and She is HIS daughter and they deserve time together…I have a very busy life without the stress of that relationship, or non-relationship….so live aND let live is the way to handle it…
My husband loves to ski. The daughter and her husband have a place in Vail and like to take Dad along…I do not ski, but I am going to go because my husband really wants me to go along…I am going to NOT notice rudeness and I am going to especially notice kindness, and I aM going to work on MY acceptance of her….rather than trying to deflect competition before it starts….
Reconciliation and common humanity has to begin in your own personal relationships before it can spread to the World, I think.