I want more than anything to believe that what people tell me is true – I am special, wonderful, significant, and loveable. I am working on figuring out how to go back to this event in my childhood and reclaim my power. I want to move past it as if it happened differently, with me being the victorious champion of my innocence, joy and trust. It has affected my self-confidence to my very core. I needed to have support to stand up and say no, this child is worth being treated respectfully. She is precious and needs to know that she is safe with you. That you will not violate her. Without that, the wall will forever be up to protect me and not let it happen again, never being able to trust my confidence in this world. I shield myself with fat and goofiness to hide my pain. I get anxious being in crowds worrying about what people think. Can they see this blemish on my soul? Can they tell that my heart is damaged and that I can’t give it to them fully? And I want that so much. I am on a path of self-destruction in subtle ways, telling all my business to people who may use it to hurt me. This is where I should be guarded. It’s as if I keep reliving different ways to hurt me to see if someone will come to my rescue and say that I am precious and should be treated more carefully. I know all of these things, yet I can’t get off this destructive path. Why can’t I make sense of this?