confronting what you’re afraid of is so much easier said than done. for some reason i feel like things have been emotionally crashing on me all day. i was on such a good streak and all the sudden it seems like everyone is asking me “are you alright?” “yes” i say, and at first i really did mean it. slowly though it seems like even i was hiding the fact that no, things aren’t alright. why can’t i accept it and confront it? because i just dont want to deal with the skeletons in my closet. that is why, i think.
today i was having tea at one of my favorite places with a person i feel close to yet never spend that much time with. he asked me “remember the time you came over that night and we watched edward scissor hands until you fell asleep because your mom kicked you out?” i had no recollection. i was convinced he had mistaken me for someone else, but as things persisted on it made sense that no he couldn’t be making this up. it was even more alarming that i don’t remember it. i blacked it all out, i think. i never black things out, not even when drunk. ever since i feel like there are weights pulling at my heart and memories. i’m trying to remember, but i can’t. i guess there were more of those times. maybe this explains for why i feel so close to him? or maybe he really is mistaken and this is all an uncanny coincidence? i just don’t know. and not knowing scares me. what lies in this grey zone? and do i really want to know?