all our feelings are in our heads

tell the retarded girl that lives next door to me that I can't talk to her everyday before work because it makes me late (read all 3 entries…)
It sounds so mean 4 years ago

but I can’t stand the fact that I am running late – lost my keys again – and I’m running out the door, and there she is. She looks forward to seeing me so much, and I try to rush her, but she just has to tell me one more thing and one more thing. And she says that I am “like a sister to her” and “her best friend” and I can’t tell her that sometimes I want to be alone and other times I need to get to work on time.

Jul 12, 2005, 01:11PM PDT | 1 cheer


Comments:

Tina

Since she cannot understand

Try to leave for work earlier and spend a few mins with her…. or try to convince her to spend time with you in the afternoon.

Clearly this girl loves you a great deal. What a great gift.

Jul 22, 2005, 03:38PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

all our feelings are in our heads

Thank you

Not many people read the comment on this one, and I feel like it is a mean thing to list on my goals. I really appreciate your advice. Unfortunately, she stays next door with her uncle when her father has to go to work, so she isn’t always around in the afternoons. I try really hard to spend quality time with her whenever I can, its just the mornings that are hard. I’ve told her before that I need to get to work on time, but she doesn’t quite get it. I don’t know how to make it clear that I love her and want to talk to her, just not right before work. Any ideas?

Tara

Jul 25, 2005, 12:22PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

Tina

Its not mean..

you are trying to find a balance in your day. There is nothing wrong with that. And getting up early in the morning can be hard on yourself as well. Truely how your morning goes sets the mood for the rest of the day.

This situation reminds me of my 2 year who constantly wants my attention and I strugle to balance quality time and getting my stuff done.

What is the uncle like? Is he receptive enough to keep her preocupied while you get to work?

Also simply being firm with her might work. As in she can only tell you one thing every morning or you can only talk to her on tuesday mornings.

Setting rules and boundaries may work. You may dissapoint her for the moment – at the worse. The hardest part is being consistent and strong when you are at your weakest.

Jul 25, 2005, 05:00PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

all our feelings are in our heads

Boundaries?

I have to admit that I am very bad at setting boundaries for other people. I don’t know what it will be like when we have kids, but I imagine that I will have to follow my husband’s lead in this area.

The uncle – never met him. I think he is happy if someone else is “babysitting” for him. I think he has an issue with boundaries too.

Maybe just sitting her down and talking to her will be best, but I think she has a lack of anyone to really talk to. She will start crying at the end of every conversation and tell me who she knows (or even just heard about) who died or is in the hospital. She comes up with some major issue to prolong the conversation. Its hard not to be sensitive to that.

Jul 26, 2005, 05:46AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

(This comment was deleted.)

Jul 27, 2005, 06:29AM PDT

Untitled - all our feelings are in our heads

GothNoodle is trying to work

No you're not mean

I believe you’re the kind of person who cannot say ‘no’, whatever happens. It’s an issue because it only harms youself.

I’ve learnt recently that you could only make people truly happy if you’re happy first. I’m sure that girl, even if she can’t understand the whole situation, feels that you are often under stress when you talk to her (I don’t mean to make you feel guilty here).

You should definitely tell her that you love her, that she is important to you but that sometimes you can’t do what you want and you have to leave even if you’d like to talk to her. Maybe if you tell this more or less every day, she might get it, even if it’s difficult for her.

Anyway, how did it go since your comments from last month?

Aug 30, 2005, 11:30AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

all our feelings are in our heads

I still am hiding from it

My work schedule changed for a few weeks, so I was leaving earlier, and missed her visits. I haven’t seen her much since I went back to the regular schedule, she has probably figured I wasn’t as reliable. I’m sure that we will be seeing more of each other soon, as my schedule is re-fixed now.

You’re right about me not being able to say no to most anybody about much of anything. Or a vehement yes. I have a bit of a problem the whole decision making thing.

I should go over to her and talk to her, even if it is just to say hi, but I put that off too. You have to understand when you answer that if I go over to her, I will not be able to leave for many hours (unless I go over at 8:30 or later, because I know her bed time is 9:30). That’s probably my inability to make decisions yet again.

Its a wonder I can get dressed in the morning (sometimes that is really hard too). All these goals to make a firm decision, and so few real decisions made. Alas.

Aug 30, 2005, 12:06PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

GothNoodle is trying to work

Doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Maybe you could try to visit her in the evening, once a week or more, when you have time to sit along with her and feel relaxed. Maybe you can make her kindly but firmly understand that in the morning it makes life complicated for you, forces you to rush and be under stress. At the beginning she might feel sad, but she’ll probably be happy to feel you calm and taking your time with her instead of trying to find a way to end the conversation.

I truly believe that retarded persons feel a lot what they might not be able to understand. They might be much more sensitive to emotions than the average.

Anyway, I understand the way you’re putting things off. I procrastinate a lot myself. Maybe this means you’re not taking enough time for yourself.

You must be a kind and sensitive person because you care about that girl. But you mustn’t forget yourself when you want to help others. You shouldn’t feel guilty to say ‘no’ to her, even if she’s retarded. Guilt and pity are not necessary. They just make the situation difficult when it could be a lot simpler. See her when you can, and try very hard to say ‘no’ when you don’t want to (it can be because you’re in a rush or just because you don’t feel like it), you don’t have to feel guilty for that.

To give a little of your time to make someone happy is great. To let your time being sucked away (not blaming the girl, nor you, i know how hard it can be to say no) makes you just uncomfortable.

You should be proud to care about her. Now don’t forget to take care of yourself. :)

Aug 30, 2005, 12:21PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

all our feelings are in our heads

This morning

I was running really late (typical) and she came outside to say hey. I said “Can we talk tomorrow morning when I have a bit more time?” and she agreed. I told her I loved her and got in the car.

Now I just have to make damn sure that tomorrow I get up a little earlier so I can talk to her.

I think I did good.

Aug 31, 2005, 06:04AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

GothNoodle is trying to work

Great!

Of course you did good!

You are a really good hearted person, you know?

Aug 31, 2005, 06:24AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

It might be the first time someone said that... - all our feelings are in our heads
I believe - GothNoodle

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