how to see your subscriber number, but the count is there. I’m not sure how you’ve missed it. Even if I don’t tell you, you’ll see it now—believing is seeing.

No, you can’t see the names. At least, if you can, it’s a secret of which I am not privy.

A lot of people adopt the goal of having their subscribers do a roll call to say who they are. I don’t really think this works as the ones you already know (who respond to your posts, with whom you’ve carried on meaningful conversations) all say, “here” and those you don’t, well, don’t. Then you’re left with some number of mysterious subscribers, probably people who don’t really even log in anymore.

For example, I would hazard to guess that you are subscribed to me and it would be no shocker for me to say that I was also subcribed to you. Was that information?

Anyway, yes, I am aware of the number. I don’t know why, but I watch the number go up and down. My mind tries to make connections between how often I post and what I say and if it results in losing subscribers.

Why do i do this? I don’t really know. Is it a vain popularity contest? Not really, because I don’t know how many subscribers anybody else has. When my number hit more than a few many months ago, it sort of freaked me out, in fact.

Is it wanting to matter to the 43T community? I don’t know. I love the people I converse with here already and I don’t think it’s going to far to say that some of them enjoy what I write.

So, I guess I’d say I do matter to some already. I’d also say that I like mattering to some people.

I certainly haven’t changed what I have posted, my viewpoints, or my language thinking I can go on a subscription drive or make people stay.

I really can’t figure out why the loss of 6 people makes me sad. Maybe it’s just some kind of game-like scoreboard.

Are you saying I beat my subscribers? With that man beating the dog thing?

And you’re right. You should send me a dollar.

That would be a fine windfall for ya… how many Subscribers you got? Few Thousand?

I’ll send you a buck… you’re worth your weight in gold.

And it was because I totally agree with the who cares aspect, and the ball sucking, that I couldn’t figure out why losing 6 made me sad.

That’s all.

Hell, plus, I haven’t taken anything personally for a while, so either I post on that goal or I have to mark it as done. And I have a fear of completion.

Oh, and thanks for the R.E.M. song stuck in my head. Damn it.

after barely posting or cheering at all, i come back for a few minutes, in a fit of inspiration, to reassess my goals, and someone immediately unsubscribes.

what am i to gather from this? they liked my goals as they were?

they were only hanging on to see if i’d go to antarctica in a submarine?

ultimately it doesn’t matter—but why is it do distressing? i waffle between feeling a little hurt, and a little indignant. i mean, it’s not like i was relating all my dreams in minute detail over numerous paragraphs, or eating babies, or anything. i was just rearranging my goals.

ah, well. what can you do, eh?

After our confrontation, she never honked again.

About two months afterward, I was on my balcony and the man who lives in that house said, “hey, you know that woman in the VW?” I said, “Uh, yeah.” He said, “I’m really sorry about that morning. She’s crazy. That’s why I divorced her.”

He went on to say that her way of being in the world is to be preemptively angry at everybody and everything. She usually attracts anger b/c she vibrates pissed offness.

Apparently, the world is against her and she has a right to do whatever she wants because of that.

I hope she’s more at peace too. We have moved since then and I have no contact with her (and haven’t since our interaction) or her ex-husband. But I hate to see anybody live such a clear self-fulfilling prophesy.

Why I respond to things has so little to do with who I enjoy and respect here. Time (the biggest factor), something to say, happens to be tops on my subscriber list when I go there… it’s so random.

Rest assured, I remain a very happy sweet subscriber.

I can’t tell you the joy I felt reading about how you’re enjoying Berkeley; I should have commented how marvelous it is that you’re finding your new home to your taste.

I think you’re wonderful and you’re stuck with me as a reader.