I am married to a wonderful man. Sound strange that I might want to fall deeply in love? I love my husband, but I can’t say that I’ve ever been in love . I think being in love is a very strong emotion and I’ve never felt love that strong. Does that mean I don’t love? No… I do love, but I think there’s more that I’ve yet to feel and experience.

I was married once before and my ex cheated. It was a horrible experience for me at the time (not so bad now that I’m older and look back on it). Betrayal is probably the worst thing someone can live through because it’s a huge violation of trust.

I knew my ex for 5 years before we married (I was 21 when we married). I told him I thought we should wait a while longer – he pushed for marriage and to start a family. We were married 5 1/2 years when it ended. Our relationship was fine as far as I could tell. My ex had a great paying job, we had no financial worries, a small son we loved and adored, a large pool of good friends, we socialized often, and had few disagreements. To this day I don’t know what happened and why he cheated. Was I perfect? No one is, but if there was a problem it would have been nice if he would have discussed it with me instead of just throwing our relationship away for someone he met two weeks prior.

At the time, I didn’t know how I was going to make it without him in my life. The experience actually made me a stronger, more resourceful, person, so good did come of it. My biggest fear was in being alone and responsible for our small son when I never really totally learned to take care of myself – not that I was madly in love with him.

Well life went on… I got a decent job and a college degree. My son turned out to be a responsible, successful, hard working young man. Over the years I had several serious relationships and finally married my current husband in 2003. I’m fiercely independent and guard my feelings. I vowed to never again be in a position where I feel so helpless – and until I met my current husband, pushed men away when I felt I was getting too close.

So I have to ask myself if what I feel is enough or if I would want to fall deeply in love – to the point that if I lost the person I loved I would never be the same – which is what I’ve seen happen to several friends over the years.

The difference between my ex and current husband is that my current husband is very trustworthy and I am 99.9% sure he would never cheat (it would be foolish to say 100%). I would like to fall madly in love with my husband – and he deserves that kind of love – but I don’t know if I’m capable of those feelings. So far I’ve felt nothing stronger than what I’ve felt in the past – nothing overwhelming, no butterflies, no giddiness, no longing, no chills… just kind of flat line, the way it’s always been.

So I really don’t feel I’m capable of falling deeply in love at my age (48) since I haven’t already. But, it would be nice to feel that with my husband. He is such a caring, thoughtful man who does everything in his power to make me happy, and he deserves to be deeply loved.