I went again to the Philippino church last sunday, after a breakdown on Saturday night. That breakdown brought me a breakthrough – don’t they all? I’m almost positive that Jesus spoke to me. Either that happened or I’m crazy. I always hear people say that God told them this and that and, although I believe they believe it, I don’t believe it was God speaking to them as much as it was they subconscious. That’s why I doubt my own experience, but then Sunday was miraculous. The sermon was as if GOD was SPEAKING and RESPONDING to my cry for help. It was as if He was explaining the whole situation to me (again) but in a summary through the pastor’s voice. I didn’t want to wake up early but I told Him on Sat. night that I would, so I was really going just to keep my word to Him, and HE kept his. He helped me :)

I still feel the effects of that sermon. It was necessary for me to hear it. It spoke about the EXACT experience I am going through and the WHY! It gave me hope, not just because the sermon was great but because it was GOD talking to me. I felt that God cared about me and knew who I was and that He was taking a time out for me, which confirmed my experience the night before; I think I DID hear Jesus’ voice in my mind. It was peaceful and glad, not scolding and harsh, and most strange of all, it sounded very young, even younger than me. I always think of his voice like a serious judge’s voice but this was… oh so perfect, so strange.

I’m trying to hold tight to this experience and follow His lead. I have to. Yet another goal: FOLLOW HIS LEAD.
I’m trying to redo my 43 goals.

Anyway, this was such a powerful sunday. I think I’ve found my church, even if it’s for now. It’s not what I was looking for, it doesn’t have the worship music that moves me, I still feel uncomfortable sitting there, I don’t feel like I can connect with the people that go there (different age range, different nationality…), it’s small and simple, not big and beautiful and full of people, none of those things, but the pastor, the sermons… they’ve touch my heart, so I have to keep going there. I still think about how fun it is to go to a church were I can feel entertained with the music and lights and beautiful faces in the crowd, but I have to hear God’s voice wherever he is calling me from, and right now it’s from the little church around the corner from my place, the one I can walk to and wear no makeup to.

Maybe the next thing is to talk to the pastor and get baptized. Again, from the new goal I have to add: STOP PERFECTIONISM, I can LIVE and not wait for things to be perfect. I might not belong to this church forever, but I need to belong forever to GOD.