I believe in distraction as an under-appreciated coping mechanism for grief. But I want to make sure that I get around to feeling what I feel, too. It’s been nearly five years since my father died and about a year and a season since my mother died. Time to identify my feelings without judgement or second-guessing.

Sadness
I feel sadness when things happen that my parents would have enjoyed, and I would have enjoyed their enjoyment. This particularly applies to holidays, but also special events. My mother would have loved the way the Cardinals won the World Series and the pennant on the way there. My dad would be getting a kick out of this more than usually interesting midterm election cycle.

Lonely
I feel lonely when there are things I want to share with my parents and they aren’t here to share with—my professional successes, my new house and my plans for it, my troubles and triumphs. I miss no longer having my parents’ home as a second place that I naturally referred to as “home.”

Fear
I’m afraid that I will die in my mid-sixties or earlier, too. Alternatively, I’m afraid that I’ll live past my mid-sixties and not know how to do it because I don’t have them as examples. I’m afraid that I don’t even know enough about how to be fifty or sixty or retired because I didn’t ask enough questions when they were alive.

Guilt
I feel guilty that I didn’t grieve more, sooner, louder. I feel guilty that there are some things in my life that are better now that I don’t have parents—ways that I’m able to be my self and be an adult that I couldn’t quite manage when they were alive.