For years my father told me that I was my own worst enemy. I always knew exactly what he meant. I have been depressed for years. It’s almost as if I don’t let myself be happy. When I was young I was saddened by the horrors of an entire world. I let society’s blunders really mess me up inside and I used to punish myself. Today those things still bother me but I have become more selfish. Now I beat myself up about myself. I am never good enough and nothing I do is ever right. I am a devout Christian but I can’t seem to forgive myself. If the Lord can forgive me why can I not forgive myself? Why can I not love myself? I am not a horrible person. In fact, I am rather caring and spent a lot of my youth helping those in need. Yet when I got older, early adulthood, I began losing touch with reality and slipping into a heroin-induced transe that lasted for four years. I did many bad things and spent time in jail. I lost everything, including myself. But I was able to come through it alive! I got clean and did right. It took a long time to gain the trust of certain people back. I am so close to God and I try my best to always do what is right. Yet there are a number of things that still burden and sadden me. Have I not enough faith or is it just me hating me? I need to look towards myself first for not onlly responsibility but also for rewards. I do deserve a break every now and again and I shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to ask! I accomplished a huge feat. I broke the chain of addiction and I regained custody of my son back. I am pregnant again and due soon. We are not rich but together we have a lot and I need to model this attitude for my sons.