I often feel like supremely damaged goods, especially when it comes to relationships. I fear that I may never be able to relate to another human being without feeling as if they are out to get me or somehow take advantage of me. I too had a mother who rejected me (not once, but twice) and a stepfather that was an abusive sack of shit. I know what you mean by wanting to flip a switch. The persistence of the feelings of neglect is so disheartening. I work every day to remember the few great times I had in spite of my batshit family (football with pals, a loving grandfather who really cared for me). But that you have children is a wonderful gift, and a chance to break the cycle that has plagued your life. I know exactly how hard this is, but intelligent people can do it. I’m confident of that.