I finally did it. This is my second try, and it worked. I thought I was going to open his e-mail on Day 60, but whether it was due to a stressful week, a bunch of other things to do, or not wanting to be upset, I waited a few more days. Also, I was surprised that I wasn’t anxious anymore, I was like: I can read them today or tomorrow or whatever…Definitely an improvement since the first time I got an e-mail from him after the breakup.

Tonight was sad. He sent me another e-mail today, so I read all three e-mails that we were waiting in my mailbox. He’s saying he’s still confused, but he’s turned down girls because he thinks he’s still looking for someone like me (it’s hard to believe girls were really asking him out, but whatever). He says he might never know for sure, but maybe we had something and he keeps thinking about me. It’s been almost 6 months since the breakup, and 5 months since I saw him last time. He says he hasn’t asked me to come back until now only because he’s not sure, not because he doesn’t want me. He says that I am the only thing that feels like “home” to him.

I don’t trust his words. I wrote him a long e-mail, since I had a lot to say and have been waiting for this. Basically, I reminded him of all the times he’s hurt me, and told him I changed to be a happier person, and I want to find someone who’ll really care about me.

He was asking me if I have moved on and don’t have feelings for him anymore. Well, it’s not really about “my feelings” – it’s about the way I don’t believe him anymore. I didn’t say I don’t have feelings, but I did say that if he’s confused, then I’d prefer he’d be confused with someone else, not me.

That’s that. I sent that e-mail to him. I hope he doesn’t keep e-mailing me, that would only disturb me. I’m going to sleep. Hopefully i’ll wake up in a better mood. I have a lot of things to get done on the weekend, and I don’t want to start thinking about him anymore.