Mr. Crush and I have gotten to the less yippee! part that mature, conscious adults go through on their way to getting to the full-out YIPPEE! part. It’s time to tell each other those things that we believe may make the other person call a halt to the lovely kissing, hugging, backrubs, hand-holding, moony looks and silly grins. What he’s told me are all things which don’t tip the balance of joy to difficulty out of whack. He’s still working out how far the joy to anxiety balance has tipped for him after we had a difficult conversation this weekend.

It was scary and the hopeless romantic in me wanted him to immediately shout, “Nothing can keep me from you!” and sweep me into a huge hug and kiss, maybe with a nice dip at the end for effect. This not being a 1940s movie, he instead continued to hold and hug and kiss me while looking concerned and we talked a little more but came to no definitive statements one way or the other. Then, because it was early in the morning and we’d been up all night, we fell asleep. Which was perfect and gorgeous and perfect and tender and kind of really perfect in a why-did-it-have-to-be-so-damn-perfect?! way. Then we woke up and that was lovely and sweet and completely comfortable and affectionate and still I have no idea where he stands with what I told him. [I do adore and trust you but I’m not gonna go into all the gory conversational details. It’s nothing too horrid. I don’t have ebola or turn into a mutant earthworm at night or anything. Just personal stuff.]

I’ve thought about it since then. I’ve thought of nothing else since then, actually. It feels good to be so honest with each other, to share the scary stuff that leaves us vulnerable. It’s clear to me now that our friendship will be okay no matter what we decide to do or be in the future and that’s a HUGE worry gone. I have never been so naked (not literally, Flirt, no need for intervention!) in front of someone that I wanted to date. There’s no attempt to impress or hide, just two people who care about and are attracted to each other and want to do this right. I know that no matter what he decides, I will have learned more about how to date smarter and be true to myself and be brave in these past few weeks than I could have imagined when I first thought, “Huh. I think I have a crush on…” It’s good that we’ll have two weeks apart to think about what we need and want. He’s a very thoughtful man, so I know he’ll be turning it over in his mind.

All of which is very self-aware and non-attached to outcome and peaceful and loving. I feel very calm and accepting and almost protective of him as he works out his feelings toward me. Then there’s the part of me that is praying with all her might that what he wants is me, that is sending up petitions to every diety ever known or imagined, that thinks of what it was like to feel his arms wrap around me as I woke up and who knows what a damn shame it would be if it didn’t happen because of fear.

I’m giving that hopeful petitioner dark chocolate, emotional music and plenty of space in my journal. Send her a cyberhug, if you have time and the inclination. She’s feeling very brave for taking a necessary emotional risk but also pretty fragile and exposed.