i feel like that alot of the time, actually nearly has many years as you. this isnt the best of times of year is it. sharing these feeling with people who feel the same can help.

I feel like I am on the brink so often. When things go well I am so happy it is amazing. It feels like a wonderful high. But when things go wrong it feels like I cant handle it. it feels like there is no point to anything. And I see myself as just a loser, doing the same stupid things I have done time and time before. Because everytime something good comes along I seem to have this knack for messing it all up. It would be so easy to just go to sleep and not have to deal with it. I feel like I feel things so strongly that it is too intense to possibly feel. And then I try to convince myself (my survival instinct possibly) that it is worth it, and that I am lucky not to be dulled to emotion. Its a hollow wish, because I look at NORMAL people and they seem to carry on okay without the intensity of emotion, it cant be that intense for them, or how do they just go on and on?

I hope you are okay. Just remember that you are not alone, and try to keep at it. We are here for a reason. I tell myself that every day. I am here for a reason. One day, no doubt, it will become abundantly clear. ((hugs))

You said in one of your enterees that you were about to lose your kids. I think the question that would be on my mind if I was in your shoes is how can you pull yourself up by your bootstraps? I know this depression is very hard, I feel it too. If you are strongly considering suicide, take out a picture of your children and really ask yourself if it is worth it? I don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell and no only knows with 100% certainty either. However, you might possibly never see your children again if you were to go through with this plan. I personally think that would feel a strong reward from helping those around you. No matter how hard things get, you have something special, some special talent that no one else has and you can share that with others. I promise you it will make you feel better to know that you have made a positive difference in the lives of others.