does this have on what happens to me with guys? not that it isn’t amusing and helpful in romantic situations but it certainly doesn’t explain why when you can be friends with a guy for a couple of months (going out, talking on the phone etc.) with a relationship as only friends (since i make it clear to anyone that friendship is all i want or need currently).... that when they pull out the

‘i like you and i want to see more of you’ card

or the 'how about if we take this further and have sex' card,

or the ever popular 'if this turns into more i am okay with it' card

that when i say ‘no’ i don’t hear from them again or i hear from them a lot less? The book seems more geared to ladies who want a romantic connection. and that is not what i want or need. i am lamenting that the ‘friends’ i thought i had back off when i* don’t want to get romantic or pursue anything more than a friendship.
it is hard to feel an affection for oneself when the men in your life want more than you are willing to give. all because you won’t give what they want they decide the friendship wasn’t worth it. on the flip side if i gave any one of these men what they wanted they would still be in my life certainly but then i would be a romantic or sexual relationship and i am not doing that.

let me give you an example: i had a friend and we talked every couple of days at the local coffee shop for months (it was a group of friends). i never gave any indication that i wanted more than a friendship. he approached me with an offer to have *sex with him, no kidding. i said ‘no thank you’. after that he was cold to me and barely engaged in any of the usual conversation we shared. i was not rude to him about the refusal; as a matter of fact i told him i just don’t do that but because i refused his advance (again after not even encouraging such behavior) our friendship has been truncated.

one of my male friends said it was because i hurt his pride/ego. i dunno but my thing is why even mess up a friendship when the concerned party makes it clear that friendship is all that is wanted in the 1st place? it certainly makes me feel cheapened as a person.

Well said.

i did tell my friend i wanted to continue our comraderie and have even tried to initiate coffee-dates. (bringing my little notebook in hand of course ;) ) he wasn’t the type of guy to have fear in any relationship… i wonder more if it was not his pride that was hurt because i chose a poor nobody over him (he is intellectual, wealthy and has a large personality). i found out years later that he had asked my parents how they would have felt if he was to marry one of their daughters. so maybe it was a bit of embarrassment too but that can even fall under the realm of pride.

i also understand about male sexuality and i have a healthy respect for it. i have had many male friends who have respected the boundaries i place but as i have gotten older it seems like fewer and fewer male companions respect these boundaries and have this truly inconcievable desire to cross it. the weird thing is none of the men who were boundary-crossers were lacking in women admirers. actually they tended to be the ones used to getting the women they wanted.

i have always tried to treat a friend who crossed a boundary with respect and good natured joking. not ever have i flamed them or cold-shouldered them (i try to put myself in their place.) i will still platonically hug male friends who have crossed the line and converse on the same level as before. i can still remember one friend who kissed me when i was inebriated. i was aware enough to look at him afterwards, laugh and say ‘you know better’. he laughed with me and simply said ‘it was worth a shot’. we remained good friends after that.

and you are a lecher, but that is okay. i too took Lechery 101. I passed with an A+. ;) LOL thank you for the compliments btw.

i always think of the movie “When Harry Met Sally”.... i will put the quote in another comment window since this comment already is an eyesore lol

My torrid physical affair ended with my partner in lust and I becoming great friends. We’ve never revisited the sex aspect (she’s now with someone else anyway), but that’s not to say it wouldn’t happen again in a comforting way as you suggest Albert. In fact, I’m fairly certain if circumstances changed then it would happen again.

However, we’re both well aware that it will never be a long-term solution for various reasons. I do believe that we’ll always be friends, whether or not we jump into bed again (or wherever; I’m not so sure we ever did anything in a bed).

A lot of how people handle it is of course all down to personality, and different people handle apparent rejection in a variety of ways (which also varies as people mature). I guess some men just have a category called “rejection” and they can’t differentiate the type of rejection (ie sexual vs friendship). When I was younger, this is how I handled rejection and I would take a rejection pretty badly and would stop calling. When my lustful affairess said that we shouldn’t have sex any more, I was at least able to get past that and stay friends with her (and I’m very glad I did).

I also have another friend - it’s true - a veritable yummy mummy, who is very popular with the men. We go out together every so often, acting as wingman/winggirl for each other (not that I ever have any success). She seemed amazed recently when she asked me if I’d ever thought about her and I together, and I said yes. However, that was when we first met, and I don’t think about her in that way anymore because we’re friends, and that’s great. Having said that though, I’m not sure I’d stop her if she was suddenly unable to resist me.

As is mentioned in other comments, this is all part of the psychological makeup of a man: the primal urge to breed, by impregnating (if I can use that word) as many attractive females as possible who will have the greatest chance of producing healthy offspring. I guess this urge is deeply rooted in how men select female friends anyway (it is for me, anyway). It can’t be eradicated, because it’s subconscious, but men can learn control. Some can, anyway.

that is actually how my husband and i started out. best friends with benefits. i didn’t want a relationship for years whereas he wanted one from the very start. but since then our relationship matured into something more. actually i fell deeply and madly in love with him.

my moral values have also changed in that time. it isn’t as easy for me to just have sex with someone like i did when i was younger. also i have kids and would not ever want them to settle for just a fuck when they could make love and have love. there is a big difference. i am their example and actions speak louder than words.

also after having such a deep level of sexual contact (that i had in my marriage) i wouldn’t ever want anything less. it is easier for me to masturbate than to ride a cock i don’t have an emotional-deep-loving connection with. for me to have sex with someone ‘just for sex’ or for comfort would be on the same level as masturbation for me; actually lower since it would be empty. i would rather choose auto-eroticism over partner-with-emptiness; at least i know how to satisfy myself every time and no one has any expectations afterwards. crude but true nevertheless.

i don’t disrespect anyone who can have casual sexual relationships but for myself i just do not do it. i have to have a deeper connection but again that is just me and i know that not everyone is like me.

stinker ;) lol