Sometimes I feel like I’m just below the surface of a body of water. I feel like if I can just break the surface then the breath of air will save me from drowning.
I’ve been drowning in debt ever since my freshman year in college. But, I’m convinced that my money smarts got stunted at the age of two. I’m not trying to make excuses but I truly feel that my parent’s view of money, spending, and saving greatly influenced my life.
I got used to hearing “no!”.
It’s hard to describe – I feel spoiled but deprived at the same time. Is that possible? Maybe “controled” is a better term. My sister and I were told “no” to certain foods, money, gifts, play dates with friends, some school activities, some clothes –
We had so much but were told no to many things that I did not understand as a child. So, when I moved out from underneath my father’s roof I went to the other extreme!
I ate and spent money until I was in such a state that I hardly recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror. The character I have become from my debt antics is embarrassing and actually quite shocking at times. I’m all about the quick fix, the instant gratification, and the impulsive moves.
Now that I’m 30 – I just got through buying a new car and couldn’t get the make and model I deired due to poor credit and not enough for a down payment.
I’m also trying to move from the land and house my parents own (where my sister and I lived for rent free) – and quickly learning that no rental history, not so hot credit report and animals is a VERY BAD thing.
It’s been shocking and eye opening. I know how I got here, but it seemed like just yesterday I was thinking I could fix it later. I feel like I’m finally getting some of the life lessons my father was trying to teach us. AT 30 – I FINALLY COMING AROUND AND TRYING TO GET IT TOGETHER @ 30!! That seems so absurd … I’m not saying 30 is old, but rather that I feel like so much time was wasted and I have nothing much to show for it.
Why am I just now getting this?
I feel very sad and wish I had a do-over.
I suppose I can start from this point.
