I plan on shutting down all of my computers when I get home today. I fell off the wagon today. While I was preparing to watch a presentation from my desk at work, I got so mad at him because I had really wanted to see the presentation in person today. So… I emailed him to tell him that I was upset.

I decided to go to the presentation which I am sure that I would have enjoyed if I wasn’t so busy staring at him. I felt really good about having the strength to sit in that room. But my heart is aching. Sitting in the same room with someone that you love to the ends of the earth and having them not acknowledge your existence is brutal.

I was shaking for the rest of the day. I did manage to attend one meeting by phone which I cried all the way through. And a second 30 minute meeting which I had to do in person but thankfully, I was ablt to keep the conversation going enough that I didn’t break down into a heap.

Thankfully, my really important meeting got cancelled today because one of the primary attendees injured himself skiing this weekend (I am not thankful that he got hurt of course).

I would be sitting in that meeting right now if that wasn’t the case. Instead, I am hiding out at the train station…. waiting until the next train is announced that will take me home.

After seeing Michael, I am back to wishing that this all was a huge mistake and that he will come back to me. I miss him so much. Ending for reasons that have nothing to do with ‘us’ is really hard.

My big goal for tonight is to not sit on the couch. That’s it. I don’t care what I do but the urge to just immobilize myself is overwhelming.