Last night was reall rough.

I spent the train ride home thinking about suicide. (Don’t freak out). Everyone keeps asking me about it. I spend a lot of time yesterday trying to find a therapist and everyone kept asking me if I was considering suicide.

I made a list of reasons why I should or shouldn’t do it. I have to say that the number one reason for doing it would be to show Michael just how much he hurt me. He might begin to fell even a moderate amount of remorse.

Moving forward is hard. Some people might find this strange but it is my athiesm that keeps me from doing such a thing. If you know that there is nothing else but this life, then you have to do the best that you can with it… lemons and all.

I knew all along that it is a rare man that would leave his family to be with me. I was stupid enough to think that I had found that rare man. I could go on and on about how great Michael and I were together. But that doesn’t matter.

In the end, I have learned that as common as people think divorce is, there are so many couples who stay together unhappily just to maintain the appearance of a family unit.

It doesn’t matter if Michael really loved me or not. I told him from day one that I was playing for keeps. I was not looking to be used by him. I thought that he was my friend and that that friendship meant something. Learning that someone that I thought was my friend was really just out to enjoy himself at my expense is extremely painful.

I trusted him. 100%.

I have to own the fact that I was so willing to throw everything away to pursue personal happiness. I was not a friend to my ex. I don’t know if I did the best thing for my son.

Over a year has gone by and it is so hard to get back to where I was at that time. I had spent months thinking about my marriage. I was definately on the brink of leaving. The difference is that once Michael entered my life, I stopped trying.

I would have told my ex that I was unhappy and that I wanted it to be over but then maybe we would have tried counciling or maybe it would have been a wake up call for him. I would have spent more time trying to explain to him why I was so unhappy.

Instead, Michael was emailing, IMing, and calling me a dozen or more times a day. I was so caught up in feeling appreciated, wanted, loved and desired… things that were missing from my marriage… that I just stopped listening.

Instead I believed the fairy tale that Michael sold me. I feel in love with him and his kids. I spent countless hours planning our future together. I believed him when he said that he just needed time to line everything up. I gave myself away.

Today, it took all my effort to get out of bed. My big goal for today is to not write him. My overwhelming feeling today is to contact him and to plead with him to be with me…. I know it is stupid but my heart doesn’t seem to care about logic.