Ok, today’s question is… would I even want him now?

Now that he has hurt me so much and proven that he can be so callus… would I really want him?

The honest emotional answer is yes. I have done it before. If I honestly believed that he would be with me, I would do anything for him. I seem to have an unbelievable capacity for being emotionally beat up by him. It is amazing what love does to you. The problem is that he has an unbelievable capacity for hurting me.

The logical answer is, of course, no. I would be an idiot. Regardless of the fact that I feel like I have invested so much of my soul, time, energy, money, and love into a future with him, do I really think that he is someone who has proven himself worthy of my love…. no.

Today was a better day. It was extremely difficult not to contact him but I managed (so far). I have been working hard at building up a wall around the scar that I know will be on my heart forever. I know that I need to accept this. I know that I can not control it.

I need to accept that someone that I thought was my best friend, really wasn’t and that the person that I hurt the most, really was.

I need to accept the fact that Michael was selfish and a coward and probably didn’t love me but rather loved being loved.

I need to accept and own the fact that I have caused my son to have a split family.

Ok…. last night, my goal was to not sit on the couch. I have to admit that I did sit and watch tv from 8-9 but otherwise kept myself busy around the house. I even managed to take a dip in the hot-tub which hasn’t had a visit in over a week. (I used to go in every day)

Today, my goal is to go out into the world. I am going to go to the movie store, the grocery to get milk, and Linen’s & Things. After that, I am going to do some long overdue filing while I watch the movie… I know that sounds so glamorous… baby steps.

Ok, enough of this, I am shutting down for the night.