i just read all your entries, and they really struck me. struck me as true and familiar. thank-you so much for commenting of my entry, for i haven’t talked to anyone about this, and just vocalizing it makes me feel a little bit better, if even just for a moment. and, having you respond, and knowing that you can truly relate to what i am dealing with, means alot to me.

i binge on ridiculous foods too, DEFINATELY crackers and cereal. i find it ridiculous because those aren’t even necessarily GOOD foods. i will binge on chocolate, cookies, meaty meals that my mom makes for dinner and leaves leftovers of in the the fridge, but if there is not anything good, i could binge on stale soda crackers. i really understand your feeling of having no control, and remembering how you used to have SO MUCH control. i’ve never i dentified myself as being anorexic, and i’m not sure exactly if i fit the definition or not, but i have had years in my life where i would consciously eat very little, and be very strict in it. i long for those days of control again, but more than that, i long for this not to be an issue, i long to just be NORMAL. you made a good point in mentioning that alcoholics don’t have to live with alcohol, but people with eating disorders are forced to live with food. it makes everything so hard. food is everywhere. my mom, espescially, equates food to love, and is constantly trying to feed me, completely oblivious to how food is hurting me. sometimes, i will binge and then decide to stop for the day, but then i will be offered food by someone, and i reject it.

i feel like a failure in all aspects of life, too. i am SO unproductive. i am constantly not following through on things, letting other people down, and letting myself down. today, feeling bad about all i am not accomplishing in regards to school, feeling disgusted with myself for my eating last night, and having a sore throat, i came home and just went to bed and slept for five hours. when i am asleep, i cannot do any damage to myself.

i am in grade 12, graduating this year. my home life has gotten really strained and difficult because of family problems, and i can’t wait to move out. i’m hoping to go away to university, if only mainly as a means to get away from my home, and i need to keep my grades up if i want to accomplish that. my marks were pretty good up untill this semester, but right now i am taking really hard courses (physics, chem, calculus…arggggg) and i am finding it hard to even TRY. also, there are so many other things i would like to do: get my lisence, get a better job, just ENJOY my last year with highschool friends, but i am not doing any of it.

i feel like such i failure.
i mean, god, i can’t even EAT without problems.

i’m not sure what the purpose of that rant was, but i am going to leave it.

thank-you, again, SO MUCH. that was the point of this comment. thank-you.

i am adding you to the list of reasons i should stop binging. i know that you don’t want me to do this to myself, as you do not want to do it to yourself. i know because that’s how i feel about you.

it’s nice to be reminded that us humans are all kinda alike. never really alone in anything.

thank-you.

i just read your entry. i don’t know how it started, what i thought was just harmless late night snacking. but at night, when i’m alone, i would just start eating anything. stuff that i don’t even are for and i know isn’t healthy, but i can’t help it. i hate that i do it so mindlessly, and then after i immediately regret it and vow to stop. but it hasn’t worked. reading what you wrote, i felt it reflected some things i’ve gone through. i feel like i lack integrity in my life. that i’m selling myself short. and maybe this anxiety gets stuffed in me like i stuff myself. but i’m feeling hopeful that i can find others to talk to who know what this feels like.

It’s all a mix of too high expectations, thinking too much about what other people think, entering relationships that have a built-in imbalance in power, social conditioning that weakens women. lack of a certain type of ambition that truely makes me afraid to be the best I can be. Is it that I’m afraid Ican’t sustain it? I’m always afraid if people get to
know me they will find out what a loser I am. But, I guess I’m not. I’m still so nervous in social interactions. But, I am doing better. I have developed alot more backbone over the last few years as I have been working on this emotional eating. If some of my weight gain is the result of that backbone,i’ll take that. I still seldom look people in the eyes. I know people are important to me. I want to be a good friend. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. Not a nervous wreck. I want to not be so hard on myself, and at the same time accomplish all my goals, I want to not get frustrated as I speed up and chill out, time wasting cross purpose. I want to face life without emotional eating. I’m wondering if any of this rings a bell with you?

Please don’t be so hard on yourselves, a lot of people have the same problems. A few ideas which may help, get all your trigger foods out of your house. Sugary foods are especially dangerous. If I have cookies or sugary cereal in my house I will not stop eating until the box is gone. Crackers can be difficult to resist as well. I tend to binge on sugar and carbohydrates.
Try stocking up on lean protein such as chicken and fish, and fresh green vegetables. You will be able to eat more of these without feeling so guilty. Just a suggestion. Nobody is perfect so please don’t be so sad…things will get better… try my idea for a start. If something is not making your life happier throw it away. Also you could always try listening to your favorite music or going for a walk or doing something peaceful and relaxing may help.