If you are an altruistic (very unselfish) type of person and if you can carry that all the way to your partners sexual pleasure, then you can work at allowing them to have sex with others for the pleasure they can derive from it. If you understand that monogomny is NOT working for most married american couples (most end in divorce, adultery given and leading reason for divorce) and that monogomy might NOT be the nautural human state (see book Myth of Monogmy by a PhD and a M.D. questioning suggesting it might be unnatureal for humans) and if you know that monogomy is not the norm in most other countries …. THEN, you can logically and intelligently understand why the one you love (and yourself) can derive sexual pleasure with others and why they might need it to fullfil their full apetite or quest for sexual fun and pleasure (and other emotional needs to in some cases).
If you can follow those facts and that reasoning, you might be able to reach a point where you can see it as an acceptable thing, if not a positve thing or even a tremendous turn on for you to, to allow your parnter to enjoy sesual pleasures with another person. If you get pleasure from seeing, hearing or knowing about her getting sexual pleasure elsewhere, you are “COMPERSIVE”. Compersion is a relatively new term that means the enjoyment one derives from the pleasure that their partner can dervive in sex with another party. The opposite of being compersive (and happy for your loved one in this) is JEALOUSLY. And Jealously is absolutely one of the most self destructive emotions we can experience. It can also be intolerable to the one you are jealous over and can cause so much tension, anger, hurt, etc that if can end a relationship (much faster than an affair can, if you don’t let the emotion of jealously do you and the relationship in). Look at the reality: recent surveys of couples married 20 years show that about 66% of women and about 75% of men (and the trend is that the gap is narrowing; the women are closing in on the men in a more gender equal society in America) do have sex outside of marriage.
I am into compersion. For many years I had a secret fantacy about my wife fucking another man. I even imagined which of our friends it would be. At first, I thought I must have been very twisted; I felt almost gulity over it (like some kids do about masturbation at first). I never told my wife or anyone. But I sure got off a lot thinking about it (with her and alone)!
Eventually, I came to learn (thank god for internet) that many many have these same thoughts and that it turns a lot of men on. I don’t have good data on how many but I have seen one estimate that if might be about half the men or slightly over half. I dont know about that. But it sure made me relax about my “twisted mind” when I learned that a lot of the rest of you are twisted too … if it is twisted. But, then I discovered the new COMPERSION term and read more and realized we are not twisted at all, we are part of a large, healthy, normal part of married men. In my case, I enjoy the idea of it even with significant others … the idea of them doing other men turns me on and I have been discussing it with the last half dozen women in my life and everyone of them was very receptive of it, at least on a fantacy level (talking about it during our sex or getting off discussing it on phone when we were apart).
Two last thoughts on it. (1) technically, there is a difference in enjoying your wife (or husband or significant other) having sex with another because you like seeing or knowing they are being sexually fulfilled vs. (2) wanting them to do it solely for your own turn-on or vouyeristic pleasure or so that it will facilitate your being able to do someone else. The first is alturistically motivated, the second is self-interest motivated. In my case, I have long been an altruistic person … long before I learned of the compersion term and put together how it all fitted together for me. I have also long worked on fighting off being possessive or jealous because I could see how much that wasted and sometimes paranoid energy and thought could harm me (as well as my partner and our relationship). However, I would not be honest if I did not say that beyond the compersive aspect of me and the idea of wanting to allow, or even encourage, my significant other to enjoy some sex with others (which I always want to know the details of and need the honesty and need her to come back reasurring me of her love for me first and foremost) ... I also get very turned on by it. It might be like sky diving or bungie jumping or similar things where contained fear (of losing your partner to someone else … or bouncing off the gound) is part of the thrill and high of it, but where the thrill is great if you can get past the fear (and CONTROL jealously … which needs your partners help and some guidelines … which I have worked out in my mind, what I need and require to let it work ok for me).