& its those carefree days of mystery. & cluelessness. & making up everything. & imagining. & being whoever you wanted to be. & having friends, just because they were in your class. & not knowing anything about boys, and not wanting to know anything about boys, because they were gross. & knowing babies came from storks. & not understanding why your older sister dated a boy. & laughing & gagging when people told you “you’ll like boys when you’re older”. & dreading getting older. & planning your whole life. & carrying a baby doll around & wishing she was real. & feeling grown up by just carrying her around & “feeding” her. & being proud of your parents. & knowing they were the best people in the world. & they were your world. & wearing the huge bow & dress that your mom picked out. & not even realizing how silly you looked. & a pinkie promise ensured trust. & when you didn’t know who god was, but went to church anyways.& its when you learned the world is spinning around you constantly. & not feeling it. & wondering why that was. & its the first time you rode a rollercoaster. & its when you learned that some people died, but you didn’t realize that everyone died eventually.

& its your first crush. & the butterflies. & your first boyfriend. & your first time big test. & the first time you realized you were your own responsibility. & its the first time you noticed everyone was changing. & its when you realized who you wanted to be. & who you didnt want to be. & when you realized who everyone truly was. & who your REAL friends were.& its the day that you started your period. & you finally felt like a grown-up, or a teenager. & you were scared. embarrassed. proud. you were a mess. & its your mom talking to you about your “body changes” & you being humiliated. & its the first sex ed class you took. & sitting there, shocked. & not knowing how much your world would eventually revolve around sex & these body parts you were learning about. & its the embarrasement you had the first time you said “penis”. & its about being confused & not really understanding that sex wasn’t just between a husband and wife. & not understand where babies really came from. & only wanting to hold a boys hand. but you didnt. but you wanted to. but you were too scared. & its the times where you spent hours rehearsing for a school presentation. & you were terrified to present in front of the class. & its the first time someone close to you died. & you understood that you would one day too, and that terrified you

& its your first boyfriend. & the notes that ask you out and the directions say to “check yes or no”. & you check yes. & flashing smiles to him from across the room. & telling everyone he was your “boyfriend”. & not caring when your parents laughed & said “yall are going out? well, where are you going”. because truth is, we werent going anywhere. & you were happy about that, because you were much too nervous to go on a date. & its the first time a boy calls you. & your dad answers. & says “ITS A BOY!!!”. & you getting grilled with questions about who he is. & its about you being humilated that your parents realized you were interested in dating. & its your dad telling you, you can’t date until you’re thirty. & you thinking he really meant it. & its those calls where you sat there & said nothing. & you would ask how their day was. & that was all we needed. & the phone calls were awkward & short. & you loved each conversation. & you began to feel like a grown up. & its the first time you touched him. & held his hand. & the rest of the day you felt like your hand was burning. & you could remember. & you replayed it in your head over & over. & you begin to think about kissing. but worrying. & man did you worry. & you’d worry about if you’d be good or not. & exactly how you were supposed to do it. & making out, was out of the question. & you didn’t really know what making out meant exactly anyways. & the first time you cared about what you wore. & you had to have a certain brand of clothes. & swearing you’d never go to school unless you got a jacket that said the name brand on it. & its about crying so hard because you didn’t get it. & it was about you caring so much about your apperance.

& its the first time you got dumped. & it was only after a few days. & it was when it didnt matter. where you had shared nothing. & its the first time in your life that you felt horrible. & it was unlike anything you’d ever experienced. & its the way he said “we’re breaking up”. & how humilated you felt. & it wasn’t really even about the fact the relationship was over, but the fact that everyone knew who had ended it. & its the fear of facing your class the next day. & begging your parents to let you stay home. & swearing they are the worst parents in the world for making you go. & its the first time that you felt like you were still on that rollercoaster that you had ridden so many years before.

& its your first boy girl party. & praying that you’d play spin the bottle, & praying that you wouldn’t play. because you wanted to kiss him, but you were scared. & you wanted it to land on him. & its your hand shaking as you spin the bottle. & crossing your fingers behind your back. & everyone being humilated when the kid’s parents walked in. & you being dissapointed that you never got your turn. & its your first kiss. where everything melted away. & you weren’t ready, really. but you wanted to feel grown up. & so you kissed him. & you trembling before it happened. & being terrified. & hoping your mint was working. & wondering what you were supposed to do with your hands. & its about opening your eyes for a second to catch a glimpse. & being humilated & relieved at the same time when you realize he’s looking at you too. & your friend breaking a promise to you. & being mad at her for a day. & forgiving her, and not remembering what the fight was about. & your parents letting you go to the mall for the first time. & you feeling so grown up. & its the first time you want to wear makeup. & your mom saying “you’re too young”. & its wearing glitter & eyeshadow & lipgloss, even if you DID look ridiculous wearing it. & its looking in the mirror & hating what you saw. & its about your parents talking to your teacher about your grade on your project, because you were too scared. & its the first time you even noticed boobs. & realized yours were teeny. & its the first time you shoved cotton in them. & realized you looked ridiculous. & its praying that no one would notice. & it was about sitting at the kid table at family gatherings, and wondering what was going on at the adult table. & wanting to sit there so bad. because you felt grown up. & you let your mind wonder about the amazing conversation they must be having.

& its your first dance. & not really knowing how to dance. & the awkward hands on shoulder & swaying back & forth. & its the standing on the dance floor, just looking at eachother. & its maybe doing the chacha slide, if you were brave.& its your first date. & your parents constantly reminding you of it. & you being humilated when they mention it to your date. & your dad telling you to “hit him if he kisses you”. & you laughing. & hoping that he really does kiss you. & its your parents taking you to meet him, because neither of you can drive yet. & its the first time you are in a movie with a boy. & the first time you weren’t really watching it because you were so nervous. & you were too focused on his arm around you. & its the first time you make out in a movie theatre. & its the first time a boy paid for your ticket. & the first time you held hands in public, for everyone to see. & its the first time your phone calls turn into real conversations. & its the first time friendships have really come to an end. & its the first time you swear you hate your parents. & you stomp around & swear you are moving out the day you turn eighteen. & its the first time you fail a test. & the first time you say a cuss word. & the first time you dissapoint your parents. & the first time you were called beautiful. & the first time you believed it. & yelling PENIS because it was funny. & feeling completely comfortable with who you were. & its the first time you really prayed to god. & i mean prayed. & the first time you trusted god with everything you had. & its about winging your class presentation, even if it counts for half of your grade. & its the first time you sat at the adult table during family gatherings. & realizing it wasn’t that great afterall.

& its the first time you understand what they were talking about in sex ed class. & you cuss every other word. & you’re not sure where that habit kicked in. & its when you first meet people who really do drink and smoke and do drugs. but they arent your friends. & its the first time you & a boy do more than make out. & you’re terrified. because you don’t want to seem like a skank. & you’re scared because you don’t want anyone to find out. & him telling people what happened. & you wanting to die. & its the first time you really feel like dying.

& its the day you realize you’re the person you swore you’d never be. & you realize all your friends drink,smoke,and do drugs. & you see nothing wrong with it. & you realize you dont have the same friends you used to. & you realize everything you do now will affect who you will be. & its the first time a boy breaks your heart. & its the first time you fall in love. & its the first time you ever felt like someone was more important to you than yourself. & its dancing around because it was fun. & realizing the baby you wanted so badly as a child would be a nightmare. & you’re scared. & its not caring about what people think about you. & its about just having fun. & its when you want the world to stop time. & its when you’re scared to grow up. & its when you want days to end so badly, because they are so horrible. & its getting 6 hours of sleep. & studying for a test until 2 in the morning. & its your first boy & girl sleepover. & its your first time you look in the mirror & like what you see. & its about not knowing what will come. & realizing the world is nothing like how you saw it before. & wanting nothing more than to stop. & you’re terrified. & terrified in a new way. & realizing your parents can’t fix everything you do. & you hate it. & its the first time nothing really seems in place. & there’s so much uncertainty in your life. & you’re changing constantly. & its the first time you feel like you can’t gain control. & its the first time you feel like you’re spinning, instead of the world.

& its about growing up