i was thinking the other day about how interesting it is to find completely new fears within yourself. you know, by now, after 19 years of getting to know yourself, it’s hard to be surprised by yourself. but a new chapter has opened in my life, and with it a bunch of new and strange discoveries. it’s as though i’ve entered an entirely different world and everything is new and must be conquered once again.

and then i came up with this theory that every person of the opposite sex that you become involved with is a representation of a part of your anima or animus (depending). since boyfriends and other such figures seem to come in periods (rarely more than one at a time), it feels to me that each one represents a new part of me that i need to get to know and understand. and this time, it has come, seemingly, as a new fear to conquer.

it’s so strange…having strong feelings for a person and yet being afraid of them. every time i see him a voice inside me tells me to turn and run away while i can. it’s terribly amusing really. but i’ve been trying to face it…as it turns out, quite literally. and it has indeed been a learning experience, though not the one i imagined it would be.

i think what i have learned is that it’s important to understand where your fears come from and what they mean. and in this case, i think it wasn’t a fear of the untrotted territory, but rather a warning. kind of like your body feels pain to warn you of the possible danger of injury or death. a fear to tell me not to get involved because demons lie ahead. or some bullshit like that.

mama would be proud of the self-parenting skills i’ve acquired in the abscence of parental attention in my critical youth. but i feel kind of sad. i like him and it would be, hypothetically, nice to be able to be with him. perhaps the rest of the lesson and knowledge will unfold with more time. right now i can’t quite understand what this experience was for if i have to quit already. because right now all i really feel i’ve discovered is that i actually am, much to my dismay, fucking crazy like the rest of us psycho women.