a couple of weeks ago i got a text message from him saying “you have no reason to believe me, but i love you and i always will. where i was once lost, i no longer am”. well obviously i couldnt ignore that, so i called him. we got to talking, he professed his love and talked about getting back together. i was excited but still hesitant- we repeat this pattern often and he usually ends up dumping me. i invited him to come visit me for the weekend so that we could talk about it in person more rationally. he came down, things were comfortable. we both said i love you and held hands. then the subject of getting back together came up… i told him i am willing to make it work if we are both in it 100%. he made excuses, saying his job is going to consume lots of his time, etc, etc, and hes not sure if he can build a relationship on top of that. it was all bullshit (i have a job too and am twice as busy as him). i looked into his eyes and knew he was going to hurt me again. i told him to stop coming back if he doesnt intend to ever stay. so i said goodbye, let him sleep on the couch, and told him to be gone by the time i woke up in the morning.
i woke up, and he was gone. i felt an odd sense of relief. it’s finally over.
Comments:
Hi
Sweetiepie,
had trouble messaging you through 43P, so I’m writing here…
I like your attitude, especially what you have to say about how people are in denial. I think there’s a lot of truth in that statement… and perhaps instead of being in denial, I’m the opposite- and maybe focus a tad bit too much on my problems?
You are so lucky you only had to stay 3 days for inpatient. I can’t even remember how many I actually stayed. I think it was 7. But after that was when I went to juvi (which was actually a LOT better than inpatient believe it or not) for 28 days. I actually made some really good friends. Shame we don’t keep in touch though. It was really hard to exchange contact information there… they watched us all the time! But it wasn’t bad, and each day I think I look back on it with a unique perspective.
Yea… yesterday I got the message from Ian, the friend who I was sort of smothering. People really do need space. I think I don’t give him enough! I talked about it with my therapist today. She said it would be a good idea to try to back off a bit, and instead of calling twice a day maybe call him twice a week, just to tone it down and not seem so clingy. The thing is I love this person very much as my friend and he means a lot to me because of all the times he’s been there for me in the past, but I do not really know how to deal with those feelings, which are both intense and very real—so if I can’t even deal with it, how can I expect him to know how to interpret it after I dump those feelings on him? I think it would be a good idea to try to harness and tame the feelings more on my end rather than sending it all outward to him… Like you mentioned, through journaling. I journal every day.
Yikes! Things have been so wild this year and so many things are changing in my life! It is crazy. I want a vacation SO badly I know I’d benefit greatly from one. It’d be great to go away for like a MONTH but more realistically I’d probably go somewhere for a week or so. I’d love to go back to Baltimore or Chicago. Just thinking about such an idea makes me smile. In two weeks I’m going on a dinner cruise off the Philadelphia Harbor to celebrate my completing high school. I’m looking forward to it- honestly it will be the first time in several months I actually had some serious fun. This summer I really need to have more of it.
-Drake
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