I cut myself for years, culminating in a visit to the emergency room in 2003 where I received a bunch of stitches to close up deep wounds in my left arm. I have seen countless therapist, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts and counselors.
The right combination of willpower, anti-depressants, therapy, and a good support system came together almost three years ago and I was able to stop for good.
So, in about a month and a half I will be officially three years free of SI.
The scars will last forever. The wounds were deep and I must live with the consequences. Hundreds of scars over my arms and legs. Constant reminders of one of the darkest periods of my short life.
But I am glad I stopped.
The shame that goes along with SI faded slowly over the past three years.
I no longer make any effort to hide my scars. I don’t usually notice them, but when I do, I feel sad.
I am still struggling with my depression, especially since I withdrew from medication and therapy earlier this year.
But I am coping.
And I am telling you all (who are struggling with SI) that cutting is not the be all and end all of you and your identity.
I was terrified that if I stopped cutting, I would stop being a ‘cutter’, and then, who would I be?
Stopping has forced me to examine who I really am and what really makes me “me”. I am still looking, and it’s hard. But I feel stronger without the crutch than I ever did with it.
So it is definitely worth doing.
Get out before you damage yourself permanently- scars may be superficial but their reach is deeper. When people see them, they “know”. People who meet me now always “know”. Most have the respect not to mention anything but some ask questions that I am not comfortable answering. I don’t consider myself to be a cutter anymore, and cutting is no longer part of my routine or my identity. When people see my scars they think they know something about me. And I can only imagine that many of them mistakenly believe that I am still hurting myself. I don’t want anyone to judge me that way, I want them to see me for the NEW me. I’m not perfect but I am trying to figure out who I am and trying even harder to love myself without knowing precisely who I am.
Cutting is a crutch and a blockade- it blocks you from parts of yourself, your past, your present, your future. Opportunities may slip by, people may walk away, and parts of yourself may die.
That was my experience, anyway.
Good luck.