Been reading a lot of books lately on how to be happy. Of course the problem with happiness is that there isn’t a road map. You can’t just say if I could sort out {insert problem here} then I would be happy, as people adapt very quicky to new situations and something else would probably come along to take its place. Anyway, here I’m going to write about what I’ve learned from these books and hope to put this to rest for the time being…
Dorothy Rowe talks a lot about extraverts and introverts. I always thought extraverts were sociable and loud, and introverts were quiet types – and that therefore I was an introvert. But Rowe says that extraverts are people who are concerned with other people, for whom external reality is more real than internal reality, whereas for introverts it’s personal achievement that matters and for them internal reality is more real than external. For example, if you want to lose weight because you’re concerned about what people think of you then you’re probably an extravert, whereas if you want to do it because it’s about having control over what you do, then you’re probably an introvert. I’m paraphrasing and it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the general gist.
So, shock realisation: I am an extravert, and I need to be needed (maybe that’s why I miss the needy cats so much, it turns out I’m the neediest cat of all). I tend to think that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness – if one of my friends is down then I’m immediately wondering what I can do to help, whereas 9 times out of 10 the answer is nothing, except listen. And one of the main reasons why I feel bad about myself is because I feel I’m not living up to my mother’s expectations, especially in relation to my appearance (she’s into clothes and make-up and all the stuff I’m not) and whether I’m in a relationship.
But looking at it objectively, it’s obvious that this is ridiculous – other people’s happiness is dependent on all sorts of things outside my control, so the only person’s happiness I can be responsible for is my own. And I need to live according to my own values not someone else’s. The fact that I haven’t got a clue about mascara and hair straighteners may disappoint my mother but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. And most of the time nor does the fact that I’m not in a relationship at the moment – I’m not exactly languishing around doing nothing all the time. It’s only when I start worrying about what other people think that these things take on more importance than they should.
So from now on:- I will remember that my right to exist is not conditional on how I look, how much I weigh, or whether I’m going out with someone.
- I will offer a sympathetic ear to my friends but stop feeling that their problems are my problems and I have to solve them.
- I will actively enjoy the freedom that I currently have to do what I like, living in London which has so much to offer.
- I will stop reading self-help books. For a few months anyway ;)
