i think it’s future and pressure that is continuing to annoy me.

i think about future and it’s vague. i love my career, but i am constantly finding that i am lack of creativity, i am heavily guru dependent, i feel i am only a implementor of guru’s framework and thinking. i rarely create things that facilitates my work or is of brand new idea. besides i didn’t have a solid foundation on mathematics which too is annoying me.

i drained myself to found what i was lacking of, but was lost.

then a second problems comes to me, the pressure.

i am trying to find the meaning of being with IT, the meaning of live, and i am exhusted and then my manager would come to me to say “can you finish your module by the day of thursday?” another extra working time.work is when you get into office at 9am and get out of office at 9pm, 12 hours. i feel horrible toward a future of life with work like this.

i feel like hopeless, i am trying to running out the shadow of life