In the last year it’s dawned on me that possibly everything i do is related to a deep fear of not getting approval and the ways i have gone about getting approval are pretty sophisticated.
When things arent going so well i have lied and covered it up because i dont want friends and family to see that things arent going perfectly for me.
In intelligent conversation i smile and nod convincingly even when i dont understand what’s going on because i dont want people to think i’m not as intelligent as i appear.
I modify how i am in relation to every person i meet so as to pull off maximum approval points.
many times i just dont express myself for fear of not having what i said approved of.
Essentially, what all this has done is reinforced a belief in me that i’m not OK, capable or even real. My own personality has hardly seen the light of day to be approved of or disapproved of (or whatever) because i’ve been covering it up with layers of inoffensive, pleasing self-destroying front.

Not anymore. i’ve got to get over this and be true to myself.