OK, so I finally tried out the whole ventriloquism thing. And I sucked! OMG! I was a huge, steaming pile of disgusting suckage. Well, maybe I wasn’t that bad but it’s important that you picture me completely bombing as you read this. I’m sure some of you will find it easier to imagine than others. Have you got that image? Great, let’s move on.

Wanting to run with a “made of wood” theme, I named my little puppet buddy, Knotty. You know, knotty pine? Anyway, I’d written a bunch of jokes about his coniferous beginnings. For example, a bit into my act, Knotty complains about how I’m always making fun of his family. I respond with, “What do you mean? All I said was your mother was an Oak and you came along because your father was a little board.” It did get a few laughs, but it was among only a handful of instances that were appreciated by the audience.

I don’t think the problem was with my jokes though, I think it was with my delivery. With visions of Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, and Moritmer Snerd bouncing around in my overly optimistic mind, I ordered my ventriloquism doll on line. I probably should have spent more time choosing the perfect one and getting to know it’s inherent personality, but I’d already written the routine and I really wanted to see whether it was as funny as I thought it was. The jury’s still out on that one, but even though I bombed, I still learned a lot and had an amazing time. Plus, bombing with ventriloquism gave me the perfect lead in for my second set.

I walked up on stage, adjusted the mic, and announced, “From my first set, it’s probably no surprise that I don’t date much.” I got the biggest laugh I’ve ever gotten from that, wholly based on how horribly I sucked at ventriloquism, and I ended up doing a fantastic job.

I haven’t used the ventriloquism dummy in my act since, but I do make a joke about him. I mention about how I was wanting to do a ventriloquism act but we had a major accident at the house. A huge fire. I announce that Knotty didn’t make it. Then I say that I really thought he was going to but when he was crying out for help, this lady saw my lips move and saved me instead.

I have developed a bunch of new jokes for this Thursday. Wish me luck.