Missionaries on the streets of Asahikawa at the weekend (two of them, suited, pale complexions, bespectacled, pushing their bikes along the pavement, name tags written in English and Japanese, an armful of yellow lettered literature)

Man one: Wow! A foreigner! Hey, like, now we don’t have to pretend that we speak Japanese! Awesome!

Man two: How long have you lived here?

Me: A year

Man one: Wow, a whole year eh? That’s like, awesome!

Man two: yeah! Awesome!

Man one: You know what else is awesome?

Me: .... no….

Man one and two together: God! God is like, totally awesome!

Man one to man two: Is God awesome, Jerry?

Man two to man one: He is so awesome!

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I don’t really -

Man one: And you know what else is awesome?

Man two: Jesus Christ! He is awesome!

Man one: Like, totally awesome!

Me: I’m sorry, I really have to -

Man one: and the most awesome thing of all? Jerry?

Man two: God loves you. Now that is awesome!

Man one: yeah! Awesome!

Me: I’m an atheist.

Silence.

I stride serenely away into The Body Shop and buy some new strawberry body butter in celebration.

“I’m an atheist”, it turns out, is a magical phrase guarenteed to rid you of most unwelcome visitors most of the time.

I encourage you all to use it at every possible opportunity.

Atheism in action? Like, totally, awesome. Yeah.