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beckerkorn / BlueHeron whips it, into shape. Shape it up, get it straight.

Get over my first love (read all 7 entries…)
Sometimes I wonder

...if I really want to get over him, or if it really matters whether or not I do or don’t, can or can’t.

If I still love him, I still love him. It takes an awful lot of soul-wrenching to deny it and pretend I don’t. It’s starting to add up. It’s painful to lie to yourself every day.

Some people fall in love with each other for life, and stay married until one of them dies.

I feel that I’ll continue loving him until I die, just like that. It’s just that simple.

I think that if I just admitted it, and let go of this twisted wish to be “free” of him (when he’s the one who set me free in the first place), and let myself love him while expecting nothing from him in return, I would shed a heavy burden.

The only problem is, what does that bode for future relationships?

Should I just love him, without trying to stop, until I meet somebody else whom I love more? (And what if it takes another 22 years?? It took 22 years the first time!)

Hmm. It’s a puzzle. What should my goal BE? To live in a state of pure, nurturing love that I already know firmly exists in my mind (and in consequence to always live somewhat in the past); or to deny it and force myself to reject my emotions for the sake of being reasonable, rational, and forward-looking?

(edit, 10 minutes later) Upon reflection and a flash of inspiration, maybe what I need is closure that can only come about by facing how I still feel about him before I can begin processively grieving his absence.

Jul 09, 2007, 11:19PM PDT | 5 cheers


Comments:

amanda is bacon.

Does love go on?

I puzzle I have been dealing with myself. I believe it does (or like to). But when we loose someone or someone goes out of our life for reasons uncontrolled by us does it just end? Can love really be capable of just stopping or do we deny it, push it under the rug. Or is it really that transient? Can something so powerful eventually fade in time? I wish I knew. If it’s a pure love I think it endures, the problem arrises when true love can’t be expressed… where does that leave you.

Jul 11, 2007, 09:24AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

beckerkorn / BlueHeron whips it, into shape. Shape it up, get it straight.

Yes,

I have asked the same questions myself.

I’ve been wondering what would happen if I were to “fall in love” with him all over again, even though he is not here. By that I mean just flat-out caving to my emotions.

Here are some things I suspect might happen. Any combination or number of them could emerge:

1…. I might get swept up in a romantic frenzy and write him another letter. This is an UNDESIRED OUTCOME. He has already asked that we cut off communication – it’s “for the best” he said – he loves me but he doesn’t “love” me, and the disjuncture between our respective feelings was placing high demands on both of us.

2…. I might start to write poetry again (the kind I used to write back when…) This is a DESIRED OUTCOME.

3…. I might start to exhibit strong emotions all the time again. This is a DESIRED OUTCOME (and I feel I will have to explain why, because our culture teaches us that this is “bad.”)

It’s desired because it helps me write better – or at all – and it helps me become more involved with the world around me, and it helps me engage important self-defense/survival mechanisms, essentiallly moving my life forward into a better future. Also, living as an emotional/creative being connects me to myself better; my energy flows and I have to channel it into 4 or 5 or more different arenas. I become very productive and very physically fit and healthy. Stress is eliminated at the root, and I feel like a newborn baby every morning….along with the corresponding level of sensitivity.

These suspicions are all based on the empirical evidence of what it means for me to love this man.

If I can guarantee to myself that I will respect his wishes and refrain from contacting him personally, then I’d forget all this pain of denial and just live again.

Jul 11, 2007, 12:45PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

amanda is bacon.

It sounds like..

you and I are dealing with alot of the same issues. I have also experienced this surge or “impulse” to become involved in the world again, chanel my energies etc. Such a werid trade off love is. I hope to find a balence someday. It would be truely amazing to be able to pay myself the attention I deserve and invest my energy equally into my creative side and my partners needs.

Jul 11, 2007, 02:22PM PDT | Respond to this

kate

“I feel that I’ll continue loving him until I die, just like that. It’s just that simple.”

I had this very same thought, tonight. I think it’s going to be okay. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with feeling love (it’s a positive feeling, better than feeling resentment or anger until the day you die) and I imagine that over time and distance it will fade, but it will be there.

A wise-seeming, older person told me that I won’t be able to get over it until after I get ANGRY, but I don’t know where the anger would come from. Now we’re free to do what we want, which is scary but was also kind of a relief in a sense. I don’t feel anger, just loss and regret.

I think loving someone in secret could healthily transition to a period of just loving yourself? And both of those seem much better to me than trying to find someone else to fill this hole in my heart right now. I’m definitely not ready for that, and maybe I’ve been going about this whole love thing all wrong from the beginning. I should probably just straighten out myself, my own expectations, my own goals and path, before I figure out how someone else fits into it.

Mar 02, 2008, 01:12AM PST | Respond to this


beckerkorn / BlueHeron has gotten 5 cheers on this entry.

 

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