beckerkorn / BlueHeron whips it, into shape. Shape it up, get it straight.
...if I really want to get over him, or if it really matters whether or not I do or don’t, can or can’t.
If I still love him, I still love him. It takes an awful lot of soul-wrenching to deny it and pretend I don’t. It’s starting to add up. It’s painful to lie to yourself every day.
Some people fall in love with each other for life, and stay married until one of them dies.
I feel that I’ll continue loving him until I die, just like that. It’s just that simple.
I think that if I just admitted it, and let go of this twisted wish to be “free” of him (when he’s the one who set me free in the first place), and let myself love him while expecting nothing from him in return, I would shed a heavy burden.
The only problem is, what does that bode for future relationships?
Should I just love him, without trying to stop, until I meet somebody else whom I love more? (And what if it takes another 22 years?? It took 22 years the first time!)
Hmm. It’s a puzzle. What should my goal BE? To live in a state of pure, nurturing love that I already know firmly exists in my mind (and in consequence to always live somewhat in the past); or to deny it and force myself to reject my emotions for the sake of being reasonable, rational, and forward-looking?
(edit, 10 minutes later) Upon reflection and a flash of inspiration, maybe what I need is closure that can only come about by facing how I still feel about him before I can begin processively grieving his absence.