Ok – maybe this isn’t even about fancying my housemate anymore. We have had a few fantastic weeks – got to know each other a bit better. But things have become too intense and we can’t stop bickering… went on hols together where he was a tw* and out of my closet came my short temper and psycho streak. Not great….. his sister is visiting at the mo and we are having some space. My mum thinks he will come back to me if I leave him. My sister thinks I should tell him to f off. He wants to be my friend if we split up but I can’t give him the pleasure – he has had enough of my time and energy already. I fell in ove with him big time – he did with me too – but i’m not sure how I feel now. I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me. It has been a rollercoaster. I chatted with his sister last night and it seems that the way he has been a dick with me isn’t personal – he has been like that with everyone…. hmmm… can I live with that? Can he live with my occasional psycho outbursts? (Which was actually me tearing up a book – admitting to self harming in the past). He says he is afraid of what I would do to him (I have hit him a couple of times when he is pushing pushing PUSHING me, teasing me, picking on me to try and make me SMILE – which apparently I hardly ever do. He says he is afraid of what I will do to myself. The last conversation we had I was thinking about self harm but just one night away and I have returned back into the real world and not feeling so intense and psycho anymore. Maybe space is the answer – maybe being single is. We share so much….. my feelings are changin – I am very lucky to have had that insight from his sister last night. It’s made me see that his stupid behaviour is normal AND unacceptable not just to me but to his family as well. And I thought I was going mad – it is not me….. no wonder I lost my head – tho I take full responsibility for my psycho outburst which has done me NO FAVOURS WHATSOEVER – that is enough to put anyone off. But if he hadn’t been such a dick….....
He is going away for 2 months in a few days…. hmmmmmm FUck knows what will happen. I love him…. or I loved him – I can’t tell. He will be lucky if any girl puts up with him.
I wonder what will happen next….. dreading him going away.
I’ve lost weight over this – (well I think that’s why I’ve lost weight) – I’m 7 and a half stone…. yuk… it doesn’t look great at all. He liked my ass bigger :0 !!!
Plan is to leave him alone – see if he comes back to me – make him see how fucking brilliant I am. He will be sorry to have been such a tw* ... he could have had everything with me – more than anyone else would have given him. Fool! All men are fools!!
